Part 12: Welcome To Stone Trek

Jeff sat as close to the cop car's door as humanly possible, where as Ted had a... almost literally, a gay-ol' time.
"So... when was this little encounter..." Ted chirped while having a grin on his face and eyeing Jeff.
"Umm... well... what time is it now?" the cop stammered.
"Um... 10:32 p..."
"8 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes." the cop said without letting Ted finish.
"Oh, ho ho." Ted laughed while looking at Jeff. "Don't you got a lucky one huh Jeffy? He knows the time from when you met like a count-up." Ted thought over what he had asked the cop and turned back around to face the back of his head. "Speaking of little encounter's... baby carrot or celery stick."
"For fuck sakes Ted!" Jeff yelled.
"Hey there potty mouth, don't make me..." the cop took a pause to let out a... sound that resembled a slight moan under his breath. "clean it out." from the reflection in the mirror Jeff saw him licking his lips.
"So... chopped up green onion or cucumber." Ted continued.
"What is it with you an vegetables?" The cop asked turning his face slightly.
"Eyes on the road!" Jeff shrieked.
"Umm... cucumber is a fruit." Ted said with a smirk.
"No it's not." the cop said turning his attention back to the road. Ted leaned over to Jeff and whispered,
"Can't say the same about him can ya?" Jeff tried to conceal a laugh but was too late it was already out.
"So... dill pickle..." Ted started.
"Well if you were to ask me, I would say..."
"Come on let's not talk about this." Jeff pleaded, he started getting annoyed.
"Ok... but don't worry you can sail to china in a raft... just won't be that fun." Ted laughed.
"Oh god please... car crash... I've been good... just send a drunk driver... or a slut who is dating a perfectly nice boy but is giving a guy a job."
"You can run a race with small feet... but you won't finish...actually you probably would finish first." Ted howled at his little joke.
Hours and numerous insults later they arrived at the Juvenile Camp, "Stone Trek." It was called. Jeff and Ted stepped out of the car and looked around, a desert, somehow they were in a desert. It was boiling hot with high humidity, odd for a desert... impossible for a desert.
"Want some schnapps?" The cop asked pulling out a vile of Peach Schnapps out of his pocket.
"We're seventeen." Jeff said.
"So?" Jeff looked around at all the cops... there were a lot. But no one seemed to care. He extended his arm, but before the cop saw him do so Ted chopped it down.
"Do you want a penis in the form of a suppository?" Ted asked in a know it all tone of voice.
"Huh?" Jeff wasn't paying attention.
"Do you want to be someone's Lilly in here? Boy toy, crack potter. Do you want your squash popped?"
"How? How do you come up with this stuff? You really do have an unhealthy obsession with vegetables."
"Yet I'm the one who will live to be one hundred."
"Nope the Big Jacks will destroy those chances." Jeff chuckled. "How do you think of that though? Squash?"
"Well... when you take a girls..."
"Get in there boys, and have fun hope you make some friends." the cop turned and got into his car.
"Wait." Jeff spoke and turned to the cop. He turned around. "What is your name anyways?"
"Bruce." He replied.
"...R...really?" Jeff stammered.
"Yup. Have fun I'll be back in an hour or so. Bye boys." Then he got into his car and drove off. Jeff felt a strong hand grab his fore arm, then he found himself being turned around where he then faced a big looking man. He had grey hair and buzz cut. His eyes looked tormented. The man raised Jeff into the air to be face to face with him.
"Listen here you son of a gun! I don't know why the heck you're here but I'm going to treat you just like ever other bad kid here!" Jeff bit his bottom lip trying not to laugh. This guy had him by his fore arm 2 feet into the air... he didn't want to piss him off... Ted on the other hand was firm on the ground.
"HA! So Sarg. Morality, how long have you been flippin' working here."
"Longer then you had hot meals maggot!" Ted laughed even harder, and Jeff bit his bottom lip even harder. He wanted to see Ted's face, it was probably bright red, which would have added to the comedy of the situation.
"Well sir, in all my years of reaping havoc I have never, I say never seen a man so set against using swear words in a position as you are in." Ted's sentence wasn't properly explained but he got his point across. This bulk head couldn't swear.
"To swear is to show weakness and idiocretitity!" Jeff couldn't hold it in any longer he let out a laugh right in the mans face.
"Idiocy you idiot!" Jeff laughed. The man smirked.
"Congratulations, welcome to Stone Trek."
"The First Frontier." Ted howled.
"Have a nice flight." The man lowered Jeff and hurled him towards the metal door, Jeff hit the ground hard and tumbled and rolled over himself then finally he stuck his heels into the ground, catipulting himself upward, unfortunately as he did so his location was extremely close to the metal entrance door and he hit it hard with his forehead. The force pushed him backwards and he fell on the ground. That's when Jeff blacked out.

Part 11: Cops And Fights

Jeff had his head slightly lowered while he had a smirk across his face, his red face, people looked at him and no one was sure if he was blushing or if he had laughed so hard he popped a vain. Finally he made his way through the crowd to the point he saw Ted with his arms and head against the wall behind him and Sara on the tip of her toes lips pressed against his while moving her hands up and around his body, he noticed Ted pushing her arms away…or down, Jeff couldn’t tell. He tapped Sara’s shoulder for her to get out of the way while he clenched and unclenched his right hand. Then he pulled his arm back and punched in one swift motion. Sara’s face moved with Jeff’s fist as it collided with her cheek. She dropped to the floor unconscious. Jeff turned to Ted and raised his head where the light reflected off his face so Ted could see that he had been crying, the tears that still stained his face were still visible.
“Ted, why-wh…wh… she was my girlfriend… she took my v-v-v-v-v card and she told me I too-oo-ook hers, and it was nice and… and… it was good…and it made my…why would you kiss her like that?” Jeff couldn’t control his rapidly falling tears.
“Jeff, you got it all wrong, I was pinned against the wall…she’s pretty strong for a chick. I kept pushing her hands off me didn’t you see?” Jeff wiped his eyes so that he could see, then he sniffed and continued his conversation.
“Yo-you promise?” he sniffed trying to control his leaking of bodily fluids everywhere.
“Yes I promise, I would never do that to you.” Jeff jumped onto Ted and buried his face into Jeff’s chest as he sobbed big tears. Ted lightly patted the top of Jeff’s head, while lightly saying, “Sh.. it’ll be ok, seriously…stop now…Jeff?” Jeff looked up at Ted.
“Ok… sorry about th…” Jeff was interrupted by a man who yelled…
“Give’em a kiss!” That’s when Jeff and Ted both noticed that the music had stopped, Sara was still on the ground and now everyone started to chant.
“Give’em a kiss… Give’em a kiss… Give’em a kiss!” The mixture of guys and girls voices filled the at one point silent room.
“Umm no, no we aren’t… no.” Ted said raising his arms giving the whole ‘cut it out’ signal.
“Let’s get the hell out of here.” Jeff said successfully collecting himself by this point. The two friends turned around to leave when they noticed two security guards running over to them.
“The fuck happened here?” The first guard said seeing Sara on the floor.
“Are you REALLY so lazy you can’t say ‘what’?” the second guard said to the first one.
“Don’t start with me Jake the wife’s been giving me a hard time.”
Jake just made a whip noise while pretending to whip the first guard. “She got you on a tight leash eh Bob?” Ted leaned over to Jeff and whispered “What a cliché name for a copper.” Jeff looked at Ted with a smirk on his face while mouthingCopper?
“Who punched this young lady?” Bob said, starting to blush from Jakes comment.
“I did.” Jeff said looking ashamed in the fact that he punched a girl.
“Ok, well come with us.” Bob said grabbing Jeff’s wrist.
“Don’t think so.” Ted hurled his fist and hit Bob in the face.
“Shit my nose. Ugh… Jake… is it…”
“No it’s not bleeding genius, kid you come with us too.” Jake said holding his hand out motioning his four fingers to go with him.
“Same response.” Jeff said kicking Jake in the balls.
“AH! Why! Why did you have to kick me there… a kick in the face would have worked too! UGH!” Jake collapsed to his knees.
“Ha, good job Jeff you got him on his knees for you.” Ted smirked lightly punching Jeff’s shoulder.
“Yeah…but seriously…we gotta go.” As Jeff started to leave Bob punched him in the gut. Jeff almost collapsed in pain but managed to stay up. He heard some faint noises coming from infront of him, it sounded like “Son of a bitch.” Without looking Jeff punched again but this time in the stomach, which he then followed with bringing up his knee and felt the chin of his victim. He then looked... “Oh shit…”
“JEFF! You already punched her in the face.” Jeff looked dumb founded at Sara who had yet again passed out to the ground.
“Sorry… that second time was uncalled for…” Jeff started when he was then pushed to the ground and felt handcuffs piercing into his wrists. He turned his head to see Ted come down right besides him.
“Bad idea.” Jeff said in a muffled voice because of his cheek pressing up against the floor.
“I’m not the one who punched a girl.” Ted chuckled
“You mean punched a girl twice.” Jeff laughed which then turned into ‘Ow, ow, oww.’ as Bob tightened the handcuffs.
Ted and Jeff sat side by side in the police cruiser as Bob and Jake argued in the front.
“I say we stop and kick the shit out of these shits.” Jake said to Bob who was driving.
“But then we would have nothing to take in.” Bob said;
“Oh… yeah… right.” Jake laughed. After a moment of silence Jeff spoke up.
“Umm Jake can I ask you something?”
“What is it shit face.” Jake asked slightly cocking his neck to hear Jeff.
“How was my kick… I’ve never been in a fight before.” Jake looked forward looking as if he never heard the question.
“I’ve never cried before,” he started to say after a little pause, “But… I came pretty close tonight.”
“Hear that Ted? I can kick.” Jeff smirked looking satisfied out the window.
“How about me?” Ted asked Bob.
“Well I don’t know ‘bout kickin’ but you punched like some guy on UFC.”
“A black guy on UFC?” Ted asked, Bob chuckled.
“Yeah, a black guy on UFC.” Ted, too, sat back and looked satisfied.
“Hear that Jeff? I can punch like a black UFC fighter.” Jeff just looked at Ted with a smirk on his face.
“Congratulations Ted, I’m soo proud of you.” He said rolling his eyes.

Within a half hour Jeff and Ted sat in a cell. Ted leaned against the bars while Jeff sat on the ground.
“What do you think is going to happen?” Jeff asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe put to death?” Jeff was silent, not because he was scared but he didn’t know if Ted was serious or not.
“I’m kidding.” Ted said answering Jeff’s unspoken question. Then Bob walked in with Jake behind him.
“Ok, lets start off with this, we like you kids. You’re not that bad aside from the whole kicking our asses thing. So we aren’t going to have you two thrown in jail.”
“Thank god.” Jeff said giving a sigh of relief.
“Hold on there’s more,” Jake started “We can’t let you two off unpunished, we talked to your parents. You’re going to a camp for angry kids.” Ted and Jeff gave a sigh of disappointment.
“For how long?” asked Ted
“A few weeks depending on your progression.” Bob replied
“When are we leaving?” asked Jeff
“As soon as the escorting officer gets here. Your parents will meet with you two there with some spare cloths and accessories.” Jake looked out the window. “Actualy you’re leaving now, he’s already here. Have fun you two.” Jake said messing up Ted’s hair through the bars as Bob unlocked the door. The two friends said goodbye to there new cop acquaintances and walked outside towards the car.
“Nice guys.” Ted laughed.
“Yeah too bad we met under these circumstances… oh fuck no, fuck no, shit fuck no.” Jeff said after seeing the escorting cop step out of his car.
“Why hello there Jeffy boy. Looks like I’m your driver huh? Well this will be fun.” The cop winked at Jeff…the same cop who had seen him naked that one bad morning at the park. “Well since we are going to be spending a few hours driving together I should give you my name, it is officer Joe btw.” Jeff tried holding back even more tears as he got in the car. He turned to see Ted before they went into the car, the last words he heard before that long drive was Ted controlling his laughter and saying.
“Did he just say B T W?”

(Part 10) The Lack Of Humor In Cheating

“SHIT!” Jeff yelled at the top of his lungs as he woke up from his nightmare of Sara beating him up while in a fiery underworld, he looked at the clock, 7: 30 pm… he had gotten home at 4... As Jeff clenched his fist trying to scare off his anger that he had slept the entire day away, he remembered why he woke up… that phone.
“Hello?” he sounded a little better then he had earlier that day.
“Hey babe!” exclaimed Sara. That’s when Jeff remembered why his ear hurt so bad at the moment… it was the ear he had been bleeding from.
“Hey… what’s up.” He spoke every word as if it was a marathon to complete the sentence.
“Umm I just wanted to know if you wanted to go to a dance with me and some friends.” Jeff thought a moment… Let’s see… my lip is cut, my ear is sore to loud noises… my ribs feel better… she probably just squeezed me…
“Nope, can’t.” he said… it had only taken him seconds to reply.
“Aww come on babe, all my friends are… kinda hot?” she said dragging out the last words. Jeff knew it was a lie because of the tone in her voice.
“Nah, you’ll have more fun without me.” He replied hoping she would drop it, she didn’t.
“Damn, it’s just that I got this new skirt… and I mean… its more of a belt I guess… a biggish belt… and a tank top that’s almost see through…”
“Where is it?” Jeff said a little too fast
“22nd on Greenmail road, it’s The Growl and it starts at 8. I can’t wait to see you there, love ya.” Then Jeff heard the line go dead…
“Shit…” he said slamming his head against his closet door. He grabbed some clean cloths, had a shower, and started to drive to The Growl. He realized he smelt really bad because of his car, so he dropped by the general store and walked in.
“Jeff?” a voice spoke, Jeff turned to see Ted in his red stripped shirt that had big golden words saying Pleasant Crescent General Store.
“Ted! God it’s been awhile hasn’t it?” Jeff said realizing the long period of time it had been since talking to Ted last.
“Umm yeah last time we talked you talked about how you wanted to dump Amanda… I’m sorry to hear about her man.” He said dropping his voice to a remorseful tone.
“Don’t worry about it…” Jeff started, before Ted interrupted him.
“Don’t put up this tough guy thing, it’s ok… you want to cry?” Ted asked as he jumped the front counter and walked over to Jeff.
“Umm… I’m fine.” Jeff said but Ted just held out his arms and gave him a hug.
“Just cry… it’s ok…” Ted whispered in his ear then took a big step back, “Umm…Jeff?”
“Yeah?” asked Jeff wondering what Ted was so confused about… he saw Ted biting his bottom lip and his face turning red.
“Why is there no back to that shirt?” Jeff turned and looked in the nearest reflective surface.
“SON OF A BITCH!” he yelled realizing it was the shirt he wore the day him and Amanda went to the carnival and his shirt got stuck while on the ride and tore the back off. “I need this shirt,” continued Jeff “I have to get to The Growls for a dance with my girlfriend.” Ted gave him a very sympathetic look.
“Jeff… she’s dead…your delusional…it’s ok, I’m here.” Once again Ted held out his arms, and once again Jeff refused.
“No Ted, my girlfriend Sara, we started dating the day before Amanda died.” Ted just gave Jeff a confused look. Jeff ignored it and continued, “I have no more clean cloths…Ted when do you get off?”
“in a couple minutes… can I come?” he asked,
“Yeah of course, a little back up would be nice. Can I borrow a shirt?”
“Of course, just let me get out of my outfit.” He ran to the back got changed and met Jeff in his car, when they got to Ted’s house they rushed to his room, Jeff put on a decent looking shirt and looked at Ted.
“Can I wear this?”
“Mhmm, umm… we should take my car… your smells like shit.” Ted said going for his cologne.
“Uhh… can you spray me with that? I kinda really smell.” Ted agreed and sprayed him then they drove to The Growls.
“Hey babe!” Sara yelled as she slowly walked towards Jeff, but then stopped and stared at Ted her mouth looked as if it was about to fall off, but then she closed it and threw her arms around Jeff’s waist.
“Nice job.” Ted whispered into Jeff’s other ear, then he walked off towards Sara’s friends to mingle…it was what Ted did best.
“Hey where did you get this shirt?” She asked
“Ted lent it to me.” Jeff said.
“Oh… it looks really good…you smell good.” She said again, Jeff smirked.
“Borrowed some of Ted’s cologne.” She whispered something as she turned her head to look at Ted. She grabbed Jeff’s hand and led her towards her friends.
“This is Chloe,” Sara pointed to a fair looking girl, a bit short, face a little miss-shaped with long blonde hair, a lot whiter then Sara’s. “Tanya,” Tanya was fairly tall and slim girl who had long bushy-like brown hair that covered most of her face up till her upper lip. “And finally Holly.” Holly had smooth black hair, she wore short shorts, and a black tank top, Jeff couldn’t stop looking at her…
“Hey.” Jeff’s voice squeaked. Then they entered the dance, the music was extremely loud and Jeff’s sore ear started pulsing. He waited at the wall with Holly, she looked at him.
“Why aren’t you dancing with Sara?” her voice was very smooth and soothing even with the loud music blaring and her screaming it.
“I’m not the greatest dancer at the retirement home.” Jeff knew the joke was bad but it made Holly smirk so he was glad either way.
“You can’t be that bad, show me.” She turned and leaned up against him.
“Sure.” He replied and started to dance with her. Then he saw Sara tapping Holly on the shoulder,
“May I dance with my boyfriend?” Holly laughed and walked away towards Ted.
“Hey babe.” She replied Jeff just looked at her…even after Holly she looked amazing…
“Hey.” He smirked back, they danced for about three songs and then she stopped and looked at him,
“Do you mind if I dance with Ted?”
“No go ahead.” Before he even answered she ran towards Ted and hung off his neck… they had only known each other for a few minutes… He saw Holly…she was looking at him.
“Hey Holly…” He started
“Can you come with me for a second?” she asked, he agreed and she led him upstairs and into a small room with a door to stop people from staring in.
“What’s up?” asked Jeff.
“Um… I kinda…like you.” She said putting her hands behind her back and looking down.
“Wow nice and blunt.” He said she looked up smirked and pushed Jeff against the wall.
“Hey…” he said slowly.
“Hey.” Holly replied in the most seductive voice she could muster up. She lent in to kiss him… he found himself drawing to her as well.
“I can’t,” he said pushing her away, “I’m dating Sara… I love her.” He said
“She told me to do this.” Holly said starting to undo his pants.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, no!” Jeff yelled opening the door and running back down the stairs. He turned the corner and there was Sara… making out with Ted.
“What…” Jeff started saying.
“Yeah weird isn’t it?” asked Holly who had caught up to him. “They broke up a two months ago and she said she had no feelings towards him and boom… they are back stronger then ever.” Jeff turned around and walked away,
“Isn’t he how you two met?” Holly called out. Jeff couldn’t believe this was happening AGAIN! First Amanda now Sara…Jeff stopped and turned around.
“Lets go back to that box.” Holly smiled and quickly ran back to the box, Jeff wasn’t going to be the good guy this time.

(Part 9) Burry Me Next To The Dead Bitch

Jeff had fallen a sleep a little into the priest’s speech, he could hear the voices get quieter and louder, he heard every other word, but then he felt a push on his shoulder, it was his dad waking him up.
“Jeff, your up next.” His father said, he saw the woman to the other side of his dad, she looked disgusted. Falling asleep at a funeral…it was pretty low. The only reason Jeff found his situation funny was because he saw the irony of falling asleep at an open wake
Amanda is even A-Wake for it. He laughed at his little terrible joke, then he decided to listen in to the eulogy that was being given, in hopes that he would get some ideas.
“…she was a straight C+ student, she had such a bright future ahead of her, if only she applied herself. I will always love her and care for her…but she’s dead now and everything. Goodbye and goodnight Amanda,” her mom started to cry, “Up next, the ever loved Amanda’s truthful, faithful, loyal, ex boyfriend, Jeff Dunwell, who broke up with her the morning she died.” Jeff took a deep swallow, he could’ve sworn that everyone heard it, but he just heard a girl gasp from the other side of the room, so he figured he was safe. He stood up and headed towards the stand, still not knowing what he was going to say. As he walked up the stairs he heard the doors to enter the room swing open, he turned around to see the back of the girl, she looked familiar but he had no idea who it was. When he finally took his place on at the stage, he looked at the crowd.
“Amanda Suckmore…” GREAT FUCKING WAY TO START JEFF! He thought completely upset with himself “Sookmer…I’m sorry, it’s been a stress full week,” he recoiled, “She was beautiful, kind… to everyone…” he lowered his voice, “And I DO mean everyone.” He said under his breath.
“We heard you say that you know.” Called a man from the back
“Thank you sir… she stopped everyone’s heart when she turned around…”
“Yeah, she DID have a nice ass didn’t she.” Exclaimed a man, suddenly every guy in the room talked, Jeff could hear, “Yeah, she did.” “It’s weird she suggested Doggy style, but I actually turned her down because I didn’t want to ruin it.” Jeff just closed his eyes.
Don’t listen to them, just quickly think of what else to say.
“She…was amazing and wonderful.” Jeff said, just lying through his teeth. Then he turned to the coffin, he looked at her, she was…calm… but her mouth was stretched to the size of an ‘O’ with the same cloths she was in when she had the crash…then he saw something.
“Umm… Ms. Sookmer…can you come here please?” he called. She ran over and took to Jeff’s side.
“Yes, hun, bun, cu…”she stopped herself before she said what she was going to.
“Do you see that?” Jeff said pointing to a wet mark on Amanda’s chin.
“Umm…well look at how stretched her mouth is…it’s probably just saliva.” She replied happily. Jeff turned around and spoke into the microphone.
“Did anyone else she the love shot on Amanda’s chin?” everyone was silent. Amanda’s mom gave Jeff the death stare. Jeff looked around.
“Goodnight Amanda, Live Long and…” Jeff stopped himself…
1.She’s dead already Jeff you stupid, stupid…2. why bring up star trek? This is a damn funeral. Why don’t you just put her on a conveyer belt and ship her off with the stars!
“Sleep well and decompose well.” He turned…there was NO WAY he just said that. He just lowered his head and walked to seat next to his dad. He was blushing.
“It’s ok son, we understand, your terrified, you are depressed, it’s alright. How about you go outside for some air.” Jeff agreed and made his way out. On his way he heard,
“Poor boy, he must be destroyed, that’s the only reason he could have made a eulogy THAT bad.” He just shook his head, he swung the doors open and walked towards the exit, he rolled up his sleeves, he swung the doors open, put his hands on his hips, closed his eyes, raised his head towards the sky and let out a deep sigh. How? That was the only thing going through his head. Worst eulogy? No, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was bad. Then he felt his phone vibrate. He it out and read the new message. It was from his Dad… Jeff’s eyes grew big.
Hey Kiddo. Can you find a ride and come home in an hour? Did YOU know Sara’s mom’s here? See ya later bud.
Jeff couldn’t believe it…he suddenly realized that the warm breeze he felt on the back of his neck hadn’t gone away…it was more of a heavy panting… he turned around, he didn’t see anything aside from a fist collide with his nose. He fell back and landed on the ground, when he opened his eyes he could barley see anything. But then the images came together as he saw an all to familiar face coming in close. Sara. Tears streaked her face which was beat red.
“Sara… wait I can explain.” She grabbed the body of his shirt and lifted him up…he was confused with the strength she had…she lifted him completely off the ground and through him at the railing by the stairs. He bounced off it having hit his head. He started to bleed.
“The morning before she died Jeff, are you telling me you cheated on my best friend with me?!” Jeff’s jaw dropped… he looked down as he felt liquids pouring out of his mouth…not blood…saliva… his salivary glands were going crazy.
“You…but…she NEVER talked about you, and we were dating for years.”
“YEARS!” she exclaimed grabbing his hair and throwing him yet again, this time he didn’t go to far, but once he touched the ground she jumped on him and started punching him in the face…if he wasn’t bleeding before, he sure was now
“She was cheating on me with a GIRL Sara, she had used up all the guys and moved on to girls!”
“So? You should have talked about it.” Sara walked away and headed to her car.
“Sara… I’m sorry, it’s just… after that night, I realized I couldn’t stand her, she was cheating on me, and I hated her, and then when I was with you…I just… it was nice? Ok?” Bad choice of words, she stopped
“IT WAS NICE?!” she ran at him again, she kicked him in the side, he through his head in the air, she grabbed his throat, she lifted him up and with her other hand grabbed the his pants…if it wasn’t for the insane amount of strength she was grabbing him, and all the blood he was losing, he might of enjoyed it… She then threw him in the air, as he started his decent to the ground she ran to his falling body and hurled him down faster towards the ground. Jeff lay there not being able to move, not that he wanted to, he was in enough pain not moving.
“Just nice?” she said with a crooked smile on her face.
“Amazing.” Jeff corrected himself.
“I wish I could say the same…but you weren’t big enough.” She smirked and walked away. Jeff turned on his side as he walked away.
“Sara wait.” He called out, she stopped again and turned around, “I…love you.” Did he mean it? He didn’t even know, but he wanted to fix things.
“You…love me?” she replied, her hands softened up from the fist she had been making. “Yeah… I do.” She smiled
“Aww…” She gave a big smile and ran towards him. She gave him a huge hug, which caused tears to run down Jeff’s face. “AWWW!” she said again, not knowing it was from the pain of his probably bruised rib.
“I love you too.” She smiled and skipped to her car. “Call me later.” She said as she got into her car and drove away.
Jeff still laid there, completely shocked at what had just happened… he was in so much pain. He checked his forehead, a three inch cut, his lip was cut open and he was bleeding from his right ear. He got up and walked to his car. He didn’t care if his dad needed it. He wanted to go home and sleep it off. By the time he had gotten home he got a text message from his dad.
Hey, thanks for taking the car. But now I need to make sure you don’t get a certain coffin… she’s a crazy sex crazed chick buddy ;)
Jeff didn’t bother replying… he didn’t want to hear about any positions his dad was in with his girlfriends mom. He just placed a cover over his bed and drifted off to sleep.

(Part 8) Nerves With Tacos

Jeff looked out the passenger window, while his dad was driving him to the crash.
“Hey… it’s ok Jeff… I’m sure it was quick and painless…she’s in a better place now…well… actually she’s probably in hell being molested by her dead uncle…but if she was in heaven…that’d be nice right?” Jeff just looked at him… he had forgotten about Amanda, he was thinking of Sara… he was still wondering if he had done something he was going to regret.
“Uhh… yeah… your probably right dad…” He just turned around and placed his forehead against the glass, as he saw a giant transport truck on it’s side in the middle of the road. There was a huge scar down the hill and leading to the lake, where a car had fallen. Jeff got out of the car and walked over to an officer…it was Steve… the cop that yelled at the cop who had pulled him over the one time and caught him naked at the park.
“Hey…are you Jeffrey Dunwell?” asked Steve.
“Yes officer…” Jeff said solemnly although he felt fake doing so.
“Well… as you can see…your girlfriend… Ms. Amanda Sukmore…”
“Sookmer.” Corrected Jeff.
“Oh yeah… Sookmer. Well…she pretty much had a bad accident… and now she’s dead…” Steve said pretty unsympathetically.
“Oh… I see,” Jeff tried hard to not have sarcasm in his voice as he said this… the cop was being a dumb ass. “Well… how did it happen?”
“Well… according to eye witnesses reports, first the driver saw a squirrel on the road and swerved to avoid it. According to the driver the squirrel was cute and cuddly looking, and it reminded him of his wife… I’m not sure if he is implying that he performs unmentionable tasks towards animals that are looked down upon by our society for good reasons, or if he is joking…but either way…it’s not funny. Ms. Sookmer saw this and tried to avoid it. That’s when she slid under a transport truck.”
“And it flipped out of control and she died seamlessly right?” Jeff tried to rush the cop…he needed to talk to Sara about last night… as good as it was…not that he had anything to compare it too. After Jeff realized he was doing this he felt terrible for it
What kind of person tries to rush how there ex girlfriends died? What kind of soulless creature would do this?
“Nope there’s more.” Steve replied
Son of a bitch, why won’t she just die already? thought Jeff.
“That’s when the tires bent with ninety degrees so that it perfectly drove under the transport truck sideways. After going for a good couple miles, the vehicle had come in contact with the two back right wheels, the transport truck tipped, and landed on her car, “Wow… what a way to go?” Jeff tried stating this as a question and succeeded.
“You would think after all this her anxiety would have gotten to the point that it would have killed her right? But forensics show that she didn’t die by that. No, when the transport truck tipped it landed on the back of the car, it folded the rear of the car in, that’s when the car fell of the road and down the hill, it rolled and rolled, we imagine it had some good air time at points, but it all seriousness she did have some head trauma. then the car hit the road at the bottom of this hill and the sparks created a minor fire, her lower half was burned. It was a first degree burn, not to bad, but still hurts, luckily for her the car rolled into the lake and she drowned there.”
“Oh my god.” Jeff couldn’t believe it… but then Steve started laughing
“Oh god, that was funny… no, she was having sex with a guy while driving and drove off the road and into the lake…but I mean, your face was just so… god that was good… I saw the transport truck here and I was like oh god wouldn’t it be awesome if the too accidents were combined… well it was… the trucker saw them having sex mid-drive then turned to quickly and tipped it but that wasn’t tragic enough.” Jeff was silent, he couldn’t believe Steve had done that… it was funny but still.
“Well that doesn’t change the fact that she’s dead, that stupid whore.” Jeff couldn’t believe she had already started having sex with someone… he though she would have at least waited a day to do anything with anyone because she was emotional.
“The man’s name was Richard Mongo.” A cop walked up to him and put his hand on Steve’s shoulder.
“Richard Muncher, Steve…” Steve’s face just lit up.
“Are you kidding me? THAT’S AMAZING! Dick Muncher?” he asked with a giddiness in his voice.
“Yes, that would be the short form of his name.” sighed the cop as he walked away.
“Well… that’s great…” Jeff started to sound depressed… he hated her…but this was too much.
“If it makes you feel better,” Started Steve after he stopped laughing, “She drowned in Ayehoresmout Lake.” Jeff looked up with a smile.
“That kinda sounds like.” Before he could finish Steve interrupted to say the catch line.
“She drowned in A Whores Mouth! I know! Isn’t it amazing!? God… I LOVE TODAY!” said Steve as he turned around, then he raised his arms in the air and yelled to another cop. “ANYONE GOT KOOL-AID?” Jeff turned around and walked to his dad.
“Well… you get any closure?” his dad asked him
“Yeah,” Jeff sighed. “It wasn’t that hard, I don’t have any emotional attachment to her anymore dad.” His dad just looked at him with a very sympathetic look.
“It’s ok sport, you don’t have to have your heart be so hard, it’s ok to cry.” Then his dad grabbed him and gave him a hug, he squeezed Jeff way to hard,
“CRY JEFF! IT’S OK!” his dad yelled. Jeff did. “There, there. It’ll be ok.” Jeff’s dad loosened his grip as Jeff pushed himself free and started coughing.
“Jeff are you ok?” his dad asked him.
“You smell like sweat and… I don’t know but it doesn’t smell good!” The smell had brought tears to Jeff’s eyes.
“Oh, that’s Sara’s mothers perfume, Le cougar I believe.” Jeff just laughed.
“Let’s go home dad.” Jeff’s dad tried talking to Jeff and having his ‘true feelings’ come out… but there was nothing there… at all. He had emotions, he even felt guilty for the whole deal last night with Sara… for no good reason. Finally he got home, and he just called up Sara.
“Hello?” Sara’s voice said, it sounded very scratchy
“Hey… it’s Jeff… are you ok?”
“Oh, hi Jeff.” Sara’s voice immediately changed into happy, giggly Sara’s voice. But she was breathing pretty hard still…as if she was crying.
“I was wondering if you wanted to hang out.”
“Ok, pick me up now?”
“Ok… where are we go…” before he could finish Sara gave him her answer.
“The mall.” They said there goodbyes…it seemed to be easier for Sara then Jeff… which he didn’t understand, but either way he had gotten into his car, picked up Sara and driven to the mall. They went in and out of stores, until they got to Stitch That! Then Sara started to squeal.
“You need to put on skinny jeans!” She exclaimed as she looked up at Jeff with hopeful eyes.
“Umm… no thanks.” He said, lightly pulling on her hand to see if she would move, she didn’t budge.
“Aww. Why not?” she asked giving him the worst puppy dog face ever.
“Because, I enjoy my sperm count to be above zero.” He said simply… it wasn’t his real reason but it was a more comical one he though.
“That’s stupid, give me your real reason.” She said, loosing the puppy dog face and just having a sad face.
“Because, I don’t like them?”
“Fine.” Sara said, she looked back at the store. “They have a really nice dress, it’s black and has stitched patterns on it and it looks amazing. But I don’t have the money.” She just walked away tugging at Jeff’s hand,
I could get it for her now…or I can make her think I don’t care and get it for her when she least expects it. He just let Sara tug him away. They spent some more time around the mall and then they went to the food court.
“What should we get to eat?” Jeff asked her looking at the stands. The Asian Skillet, The Pizza Box, Burgerville, and then he saw it… The Taco Sombrero.
“The Taco Sombrero!” Jeff screamed as he tugged Sara towards it, she stood still again.
“No!” Sara said simply, with the most stern voice Jeff had ever heard.
“Why not?” asked Jeff, confused “Do you not like Taco’s?”
“No, it’s not that… I…I can’t eat them… I’m a pig.” She lowered her head and looked down ashamed. Jeff placed two fingers under her chin and raised her face to look at him.
“It’s ok, nothing can change how I feel about you.” Jeff said, although he knew it was because he didn’t know what he felt, Sara smiled. Jeff was pleased that she bought this. He was sure she wouldn't because of how corny it was.
“Ok… but I’m asking them to put everything in a bowl, I’ll eat it as a Salad.” They walked up the counter and ordered there food. Then they sat down near the escalator. Jeff started eating his Taco, only thinking, Small bites, don’t be a slob, if you are, use a napkin And he started talking to Sara.
“So, how was your day so far?” she didn’t answer.
“It’s better now.” She said quietly
“Oh really?” Jeff said sounding cocky and intrigued “How come.”
“Cause I’m with you, what? “ Sara said as fast as she could, Jeff heard her still.
“Cause you’re with…who? Damn what is it that you could have said?” Jeff could tell Sara knew that he had heard it… the not so subtle hints gave it away, her face went red. She raised her spoon full of Taco fillings to her mouth, it fell out of her spoon and landed on the table. Jeff couldn’t help but giggle.
“I guess you were right about the whole eating Taco thing.” Jeff smiled as he watched Sara blush uncontrollably, she went for her Coke, but she didn’t grab it, she accidentally pushed it over, a stream of liquid came fast towards Jeff, he moved his legs fast enough to not get any on him.
“Oh my god…” Sara repeated over and over, she got up quickly “I’ll get napkins.” She turned around to fast and didn’t see the small plant that was beside our table and ran right into it, she had her coke in her hands by this point and the lid had broke from it’s small fall, the contents of the cup flew out and landed on someone.
“WHAT THE FUCK!” the person yelled. Jeff got up and placed his arm around Sara’s waist, hurrying her up to walk away, they got on the escalator. Sara avoided Jeff’s eyes like the plague.
“Well…” Jeff started, hoping he could change the subject. “I’ll try those skinny jeans if it makes you feel better.” Sara just laughed,
“No it’s ok, we should get home though, I have a big day coming up on the weekend, I have to get ready for it.” That’s when Jeff remembered SHIT! Amanda’s funeral! It’s this Saturday! I need to write a eulogy! Jeff couldn’t believe he forgot. The rest of that week he spent trying to find a way to make everyone love Amanda. Finally Saturday came, and Jeff had only written two words. He walked into the church and sat in the third row.
“Thanks for coming Jeff, Amanda would have appreciated it.”
“No problem Ms. Sookmer.”
“Do you have the eulogy ready?” she asked, Jeff swallowed, it sound extremely loud to him, but no one seemed to hear it.
“Yes.” He said simply.
“Good, your going after me, just think Jeff, if you had waited a few hours you could’ve had a dead girlfriend, instead of a dead ex girlfriend…weird.” Then she walked away.
Come On Jeff, Eulogy…what was something nice Amanda did? Jeff thought quickly as the priest walked up to the stand,
“We’re here to honor the death of Amanda Sookmer, who was taken from us before her time, Amanda Sookmer… Friend, Ex Girlfriend, Friend With A lot Of Benefits…” this was going to be a long funeral…

(Part 7) Sex, Shower, Breakups, And Death

Jeff woke up on the floor, he looked at the clock that was upside down besides him, he smiled, it was 7 am
“I went to bed 4 hours ago,” Smiled Jeff, he rolled on his back and heard the shower going, he raised his head to make sure it wasn’t Sara just warming it up, it wasn’t. She was no where to be seen. He laid back down and held the clock above his face.
“You saw some wild things didn’t you mister clock?” Jeff didn’t know why he was talking to this clock, but he was.
“Well, don’t be afraid, it’s human nature, people do it all the time, and now I see why.” Jeff smiled at himself, “Now, not many people start off against the dresser knocking you on the floor…”
“But that’s because Jeff was my first, now go to sleep mister clock.” Said Sara with her arms crossed giving a little smirk to Jeff. Once he heard her voice he dropped the clock and it hit his chest, he franticly picked it up as the alarm went off and he dropped it again, then he hit the snooze button, and he put it back on Sara’s dresser, then he leaned against her dresser, and attempted to regain himself from embarrassment.
“I…didn’t here the shower going off.”
“That’s because it is warming up. I haven’t gone in yet, notice my dry hair.” Jeff tried a different position because the current position was becoming very uncomfortable. “I just came out to see if you wanted to join me… if your done with mister clock that is.” She gave Jeff a wink, turned around and walked to the bathroom while pretending to take off her towel.
Wow…I’m her first time? I can’t believe it, I thought she might have lost it along time ago. Why am I not leaving after sex…maybe I’m in a little to deep. Suddenly the alarm clock went off again and knocked him back to real life. He ran after her and walked into the bathroom, as he entered Sara just stated.
“Is that because your glad to see me or because of what Mister clock said to you.”

It was 8:45 when they got out of the shower, it was a slight awkward silence.
“Well, that was the fist shower that I came out dirtier then I did going in.” Sara just raised her eye brow and tried giving him a ‘I’m not impressed’ look, but Jeff could easily see her holding back a smile. He tied hi sneakers and walked out the door wearing a sports jacket Sara’s dad used to wear. He turned around and looked at Sara, he arms were behind her back and she was teetering on her toes back and forth.
“See ya late…” Before he finished Sara grabbed him and kissed him like she did the night before. Then she backed up and grabbed the door with one hand.
“Ya see you later. Love you.” Then she closed the door. Jeff was stunned.
Are we going out? He turned around, and walked down the drive way.
SHIT MY CAR! He looked as he remembered he left his car at Amanda’s house. So he started walking down the road.
Would it be really bad if I go out with someone while I’m still technically with Amanda?
I mean I am going to break up with her when I see her next. Not today cause she’s with that girl…and that would be awkward…But it would be even worse if I dump Sara now right after we had sex…that would be even worse… Ok, I will give me and Sara a try…how bad could it be in the end? Jeff looked up, he was already at Amanda’s house, he walked over to his car and spent twenty minutes trying to get the keys from his jeans, not only were they very short… but very tight as well. He finally got his keys and opened the door to his car. As he opened the door he heard screaming from Amanda’s house, it was the girl from last night, she ran out of the house.
“You said you loved me!” she yelled back to the house as Amanda walked out.
“I don’t know you!” shouted Amanda.
“Funny since you repeated my name over and over again last night!”
“Well that’s because you said your own name as well I just repeated YOU saying it!”
“What ever Mandy.” She said with her arms on the top of the car.
“Just leave Kris.”
“Fine, I’ll leave,” the girl apparently named Kris got in her car and rolled down the passengers window. “But we both know I was the best you ever had.” Then she drove away, Amanda put her head in her hands and shook her head. When she looked up Jeff realized he was looking directly at her, she walked over to him.
“Hey baby.” She hugged him leaned in for a kiss, he backed away. “What’s your problem?” she asked him,
“Amanda, I can’t do this anymore, we are over.” Jeff waited for a little tear, some sort off emotion.
“Mhmm…well how bout you kiss me and we can go inside and put our bodies to better use.” Amanda grabbed his hand and walked towards her house, Jeff got loose of her grip.
“And do what? The same thing you’ve done with every guy in town BUT me?” Amanda started laughing.
“Oh I’m sorry, correction EVERYONE, now that your Bi.” Jeff was starting to get upset.
“Since when did you grow balls? Forget about them, if you do I’ll show you what she showed me.” Amanda raised her index finger and tried to lure him into her house.
“No Amanda it’s over.” Jeff got in his car and looked at her reaction. She had to feel bad by this point.
“Ok, what ever, see you when I see you.” Then she pranced into her house. He had only seen her prance like that once, and that was after she had lost her virginity. Apparently him breaking up with her was the same as sex. Jeff drove home and walked in. He went to his room, hoped in his bed, crossed his arms, put them behind his head and just stared at the ceiling, thinking. Suddenly he heard the downstairs door open.
“Hey Kiddo guess who got lucky!” His dad was home and he ran upstairs and burst through Jeff’s bedroom door.
“Come on, guess who got lucky.” His dad urged him.
“I thought you weren’t home.” Smirked Jeff, he wanted to drag his dad’s excitement and anticipation out as long as possible.
“She wanted to go to a hotel…said it would be… kinkier, I think was the word she used.” His dad stated quickly “So, guess who got lucky.” Jeff smiled to himself,
“Me.” His dad laughed
“Really? Congratulations kiddo, you and me both, we need to celebrate.” Jeff followed his dad downstairs. And his dad got out some bowls.
“Lets have fruit loops.” Jeff laughed, he figured this would be there reward, the reward always has to be worse then what you are being rewarded for. They sat and ate, both not needing to talk because of how happy they were.
“Too bad you couldn’t keep your promise.” His dad said
“What do you mean?” Jeff knew what he was talking about.
“You told me you would have a V-card on you at all times.” Jeff stirred his fruit loops
“Actually, I did.” Jeff’s dad missed his mouth with the spoon
“But Amanda is far from being a virgin son… have you forgotten what V-card stands for?”
“No I…” before he could finish his dad cut in
“Maiden head, chaste.”
“I broke up with Amanda… do you remember Sara.” His dad started laughing again.
“Oh god, GOOD JOB! That beats the time you had to waste on Amanda.” Jeff wished he could say it wasn’t wasted time… but it was.
“Well… good job… but it might be kind of weird and or creepy.” Jeff looked up
“What do you mean…” Jeff asked, hoping for a different answer then what he had come up with at this point.
“Well… her mom gave me her number… and… well… I was with Sara’s mom last night.” Jeff couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His dad could sense how Jeff was feeling so he tried changing subjects.
“You taste that?” Jeff was silent “Notice a hint of yay?” Jeff looked up at this
“You mean like the expression?” Jeff laughed, then Jeff finished and headed upstairs to his room.
“So, how was it.” Asked Jeff’s dad looking up at Jeff who was half way up the stairs.
“I’ll put it this way…” Jeff said sticking his head from the stairs. “There was a lot more yay then there was in those fruit loops.” Jeff went to bed and slept for a good amount of time when he woke up it was 4. He heard the phone ringing. Then his dad walked in.
“Umm…Jeff there’s no easy way to say this…” Jeff looked at his dads eyes, he had no idea what was happening.
“Amanda died in a car accident…” Jeff’s jaw dropped… he couldn’t believe it.
“Oh my god.”
“I know how you must feel, get changed into something less gay, and I’ll drive you to the location, they want to talk to you.” Jeff laid back on his bed.
I can’t believe this, Amanda is dead… I’ve known her for years…we went out…she was my first kiss…so why don’t I give a shit? Jeff felt nothing, no sadness at all… he found it hard to even think about it… he would get sidetracked easily.
I should miss her… remember that one day in science class…when she looked at you and you kissed as there was fire…oh that’s right I gotta do that science homework… what’s it on again? Volcano’s, ya that’s it… There cool… I wonder what would happen if I made a volcano… I think I will…Oh ya that’s right… I gotta do that whole Amanda thing…

(Part 6) Like Father Like Son.

Jeff was home on his bed, looking at his ceiling. Surprisingly Jeff could only think of one thing, Sara…and not even that he missed her.
That stupid fucking bitch told EVERYONE at that damn hospital! What if I…have… prostate cancer…and they pull down my pants… They will defiantly be like ‘OH! This is the part where you fall off the roof right?’ … Call her? Ya, I’ll call her…but I’ll make her wait first…good Jeff…so this is what it feel’s to be wearing the pants huh? He heard his alarm clock go off… he looked at it… 6 o’clock… Only 4 more hours. Jeff couldn’t wait, he knew he was desperate…but desperate sex is better then no sex right?... No, Jeff knew that some how life was going to give him the finger and smack him across the face and send him to the relm of the virgins... where they watched Battle Star Galactica … and played World Of Warcraft, and Pokemon all day long day in and day out. Suddenly Jeff’s dad ran in.
“Do you have a girl in here?” asked Jeff’s dad, not having looked at Jeff’s bed yet.
“Umm… no… why?” Jeff now felt that he was sweating as he sat up in his bed, his dad looked at him and laughed.
“You screamed you pansy!” Jeff’s dad held the door frame and laughed some more.
“So why did you ask me if a girl was in here?” Jeff asked confused, by this point Jeff could see his father having problems standing up, due to laughing so hard.
“You sound like a chick!” He knelt down, still laughing, his face was beat red. Jeff knew he did… it was one of the main reason’s he wouldn’t go to a horror movie with anyone, yet still…
“No I don’t!” Jeff lied through his teeth, his dad had calmed himself down enough to stand up.
“Yes you do, you know it too… why do you have to lie all the time?” Jeff’s dad walked off.
I do lie a lot don’t I? Jeff was confused… he had never noticed this before… he didn’t used to be this way… but it seemed to have gotten worse… he laid back down on his side and looked around his room. What was he going to do? He just realized how extremely nervous he was about that night. His stomach was turning, his mind was going a mile a minute with stupid questions like. How do I start? I never even thought about foreplay! What if I can’t keep up? What if I don’t last long enough? What if I don’t even get the chance? What if she laughs at my…size…? What if Trojan decided to make a new condom and they were extremely complicated! That’s when Jeff jolted his eyes open again.
“Oh my god,” Jeff sat up and looked straight, being completely transparent.
“I don’t have any condoms!” He jumped up and looked at the clock, 9 o’clock.
“HOW HAS IT BEEN 3 HOURS!?” Jeff yelled as he ran around his room for cloths.
“AND WHY DO I NOT HAVE ANY CLOTHS!?” He ran downstairs, and looked at his dad, fully knowing that he had heard him.
“What? I decided to do your laundry as a nice gesture.”
“What have I been doing for the past 3 hours?” Jeff asked, hoping for an answer.
“You were sleeping… you seem to be doing that a lot lately… have you been prancing around the town kissing girls?” Jeff’s dad asked
“Dad… no…” once again his dad jumped in to put his little two cents into it.
“You know your not Katy Perry right?” His dad laughed, Jeff faked a smile at his dad’s little trivia pursuit joke.
“You know dad… when mom told you to pick up her role when she left you, I don’t think she meant to be watching Entertainment Tonight.” Jeff smiled to himself,
“Listen I’m just worried that you might have Mono…Monoluc…” his dad started
“Leosis, ya I know what it is dad, but I’ve started sleeping a lot since the fall.”
“Why do you need your cloths kid?” his dad asked changing topics.
“I…need to go… out.” Jeff didn’t want to lie again, he didn’t want to be a pathological liar.
“Well… you can wear my cloths?” Jeff bit his lip again trying not to laugh, his dad was 6.4 and a little bit on the heavy side, Jeff on the other hand was 5 11, and skinny… it wouldn’t work out.
“No… it’s ok dad.”
“Well there are some of your cloths you used to wear in the last drawer of your dresser.” His dad said.
“Offer taken back kid.” His dad smiled as he picked up a newspaper. Jeff smirked and ran upstairs. He walked into his room and opened the bottom drawer…
“No…” Jeff picked up the shirt and pants… the shirt had a huge picture of Pikachu and ask hugging each other with big words at the bottom saying ‘IT’S OK TO LOVE YOUR FRIEND THIS MUCH’ and the shorts…were like the little underwear you wore way back when you didn’t know the importance of the area it covered… So… there he was looking at his Pokegay shirt, and his shorts that Daisy Duke would have said that, that was too revealing.
“DAD?” he yelled downstairs hoping to hear his dad grow some sympathy.
“NICE AREN’T THEY? YOU’RE NOT WEARING MY CLOTHS.” His dad laughed to him. Jeff looked up.
“God…I hope you make tonight worth it.” Then Jeff stood up and put on the shorter then short shorts, the tidied pokemon shirt promoting intimate moments between human and creature… He stood up and walked out the door, then he hit the stairs…realizing there was no way he was able to make it down the stairs. He jumped down the stairs, legs tightly stuck together. He walked out the door to hear his father fall on the floor laughing, coughing and punching the floor. He sat in his car, and drove. He pulled up to traffic lights, and then he saw a car pull up besides him, it was Ted, He turned and just looked at Jeff, then he rolled down his window, Jeff rolled down his as well not looking impressed.
“Jeff… ummm.” Ted didn’t need to finish his sentence.
“Laundry day.” Jeff answered, not looking away from the front of his car.
“Ok… call me tonight…we… uhh… we gotta talk.” He said.
“Ya… I suppose we do don’t we.” Jeff said looking at his shirt.
“Ya… and Jeff,” Jeff looked at him to see a smirk across Ted’s face. “I love you too man, and if you weren’t with Amanda…” He couldn’t finish his joke, neither could Jeff, they both started laughing pretty hard.
“Ok… well I gotta go… green light and all… call me tonight.” And Ted drove off. So did Jeff, heading to the closest drug store. Jeff sped around the corner, and saw Mini Mart, he drove into the parking lot. He stepped out of his car to hear a whistle… he turned around.
“Aye bay, bay. Where you headed.” Jeff closed his eyes and swallowed.
“Hello, again officer…how are you today.”
“Oh I’m great now.” The cop said, head partially down, eyes looking past his glasses to see Jeff, walking towards him.
“Uhhh… I gotta go I’m on a tight schedule.” Jeff turned around and ran into the Mini Mart.
“YOU CAN RUN BUT WE’LL MEET AGAIN JEFFRY!”
I never told him my name…Ewwwww Jeff thought, he ran into Mini Mart and ran for the pharmacy. He turned the corner and saw the wall of condoms… he looked up and down the row… he turned his head to see the cashier, with his eyebrow raised giving a mix between a confused and disgusted look. Nervously Jeff grabbed a box and threw it on the cashier’s table, and threw 10 dollars with it. Not even wanting to look him in the face, he just looked at the ceilings. He heard the cashier laugh very hard before, finally he heard the cashier talk.
“Well…your…total is…” before he finished Jeff grabbed the box turned around and walked away. He made his way to his car where he finally saw what he had bought… he pleasure… a pink box with lavenders and other feminine things… he had walked in… looking the way he did…and bought her pleasure condoms…
“Well,” Jeff started, trying to calm himself down. “At least Amanda will be happy.”
He turned the keys and looked at the clock, it was 9:45, he still had time to get to Amanda’s house, she never said what time to come over. He drove towards her house. Then he walked towards her door and rang the doorbell. The door swung open, and Jeff’s jaw dropped. Around Amanda’s neck… was another girl.
“Who’s this Mandy?” Said the girl
“Oh, this is my boyfriend, hey Jeff.” Jeff couldn’t talk, he knew his girlfriend was slutty…but…
“I didn’t know you were… bi?” he asked, after a long awkward pause.
“Ya, me neither,” she leaned her mouth behind his ear. “I’m kinda drunk though… don’t tell her.” She giggled as she moved her head back, he could smell it…vodka and rum… yum… nothing more attractive then a drunk girl… correction… girls.
“Silly, I could hear you, I’m around your neck remember.” She giggled,
“Oh no, you are, well aren’t you sneaky.”
“Well… should I come back later?” Jeff asked… he was not giving up this easily, not after what he had been through.
“You’re too sneaky, I’ma have to punish you now.” Amanda said to the girl, the girl giggled and ran upstairs.
“Well… she seems nice.” Jeff said.
“Ya… I don’t know. You wanna join us Jeffy?” Amanda said, lightly biting her lip. Jeff thought for a second… he didn’t think he could handle seeing Amanda with anyone, he was incredibly jealous, but maybe this would be different.
“Ya, ok.” He said taking a step forward.
“Ya, I thought you would… too bad. Night.” Then she slammed the door on his face. He turned around and walked down her steps… this was the worst he had ever felt in his life. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He didn’t love Amanda, he didn’t like her, he had not intimate emotions towards her. He hated her. He drove for a little bit. Then he pulled to the side of the road… he was too emotional at the moment. He looked at his cell phone. He had 1 new message, he opened it franticly hoping it was from Amanda saying sorry it was all a joke, it wasn’t. It was his dad.
Have a lady at the house…can you not come back till tomorrow, thanks kiddo;)
“At least one of us is having a good night.” He looked at his arm… Sara’s phone number. He called.
“Hello?” It was her…good thing he couldn’t deal with her mom at the moment.
“Uhh hey Sara… I’m… having a bad night can I come over?”
“My mom’s not here… and you have a girlfriend…”
“I don’t care… but if you would get in trouble forget it.”
“No, I wouldn’t, my mom wouldn’t care…but won’t you’re girlfriend be pissed?”
“No…we aren’t together anymore.” Jeff wasn’t lying… he was done with her… had she talked to him a little longer he would have ended it.
“Oh, I’m so sorry…ya come over.” She gave him the directions and he went to her house.
“Hey. Long time no see… how’s the cop?” she joked, it worked Jeff gave a small smile.
“He’s good…saw me in this…” Jeff stepped in the light. Sara didn’t freak out or laugh.
“Hot.” She gave him a wink. Jeff couldn’t help himself, he moved in, grabbed Sara and starting kissing her, she kissed back. They moved into the house and up the stairs to Sara’s bedroom. Then they slammed the door shut… Jeff’s dad wasn’t the only one getting lucky that night.

(Part 5) Don't Trust A Hoe.

Jeff woke up at around 1 am that night. He wasn’t used to sleeping this long without being lectured about Amanda’s day. He turned to Sara’s direction.
“You awake?” asked Jeff not expecting to hear anything, he didn’t, so he lay back down and tried to go to sleep.
“No, Mr. Wilson, I’m not drunk enough to do that to you…” Jeff’s eyes jolted open and he spun around to see Sara, she was still sleeping.
“What? Vodka? Ya that should do it…yummmmy.” She started tossing and turning, and Jeff bit his lips trying not to laugh.
“No I don’t wanna get out here Jason, there are no corners…it’s a straight street…how will I make any money here?” once again he tried biting his lips, but if he tried to hold it in any more he would have punctured his skin. He turned around and stuffed his head in a pillow, and laughed. He was surprised at how concealed it was. Finally he heard Sara.
“Ok, yes I want to take a ride on your disco stick…tomorrow Mr. Sandman, right now can you bring me a dream? I’m very tired. Ok night, night.” Then she stopped talking, Jeff still felt his belly shake, trying to keep himself from laughing. Then he turned on his other side with his eyes closed. He opened them to see that there was someone right next to his bed. He opened his mouth to try and scream help… but he couldn’t make a noise.
“Your mother makes that face when I’m naked… wanna know the difference between you and her? She’s on her knees when she’s making that face.” Jeff just closed his mouth his eyes widened with terror, it’s the your mother man. Before the man said another terrible joke a security guard opened the door.
“You go back to room NOW!” said the short man
“No way Mr. ChingChongz. You’re so small…”
“I can go an entire day riding down your urethra… it’s over Madex, you’ve used all your small jokes up.” The man dropped his head, and the Mr. ChingChongz walked into the moon light, the white light beamed across his face, he was a short Asian man.
“Now, you go to bed, and when you there…you eat noodles…” The man walked away. Mr. ChingChongz walked over and kneeled by Jeff’s bed.
“You ok kid.” He asked Jeff… oddly enough rubbing his head.
“Uhh… yes…” Jeff said still puzzled.
“Don’t worry… he won’t bore you anymore.” And with that Mr. ChingChonz got up and walked away… in slow motion it seemed…
“He will fight all my battles for me.” Jeff said looking at The Security Guard in Awe.
Jeff woke up, it turned out to just be a dream. They were wheeling out Sara.
“Wait! Sara where are you going?”
“I’m going to the meeting room, then I’m off to go home.”
“Oh,” Jeff said a little upset to find out his new friend was leaving, “Well…can I have…” Sara interrupted him before he finished.
“It’s already on your arm, call me when you get home.” Then they wheeled her out.
Jeff lay back down and looked at the ceiling, then to his side where Sara used to be. The curtain was 2/3rd’s closed. He looked back up to the ceiling, but the door from Sara’s side of the room opened. Jeff turned to see who it was just late enough to miss the guys face.
“Who’s that?” Jeff asked the nurse
“His name is Zack, he’s your new room mate.” She said as she walked away.
“Zack?” Jeff said “That’s a douche bags name…I wonder what he’s like.” Jeff looked at the curtain… they must have bumped into his bed because he couldn’t reach the curtain anymore…so Jeff looked on the little table by his bed…perfect… a pen and paper. He picked it up and started to brain storm…
“Ok… Zack… is a douche bag…who likes to pop his color or where a hoody…hood up. He likes his hair like a Fo-Hawk and he wears those Kanye West Glasses.” Jeff smiled to himself, but he couldn’t stop now. “He is late for work and doesn’t care, he could go weeks without taking a shower… and his catch phrase is ‘That’s just my luck’ and he shrugs his shoulders and puts his hands in the air when he says this…his best friends name is Joel... they met in elementary school… Joel’s Dad is a lawyer and his mom is an ex-Mexican stripper…Joel’s dad went down to Mexico for Business… AKA Joel’s mom…and got Joel’s mom pregnant with Joel… Ok back to Zack… he met Susan... at Joel’s party…and Joel is going out with Susan’s sister…Kim… So that’s how Susan was at Joel’s party… soo…. Zack and Susan were making out…then Susan took him to Joel’s parents room to have sex…and then after undressing Susan he found out she was a hermaphrodite… but he was so drunk he didn’t care… then the Exchange student…Patrick…who is from Ireland and has red hair and is short… walks in on them…and tells everyone because he wants people to like him… because he’s an exchange student. YES!” Jeff held the paper back to see the time line of Zack, then he turned to face the curtain Zack was behind.
“Zack, you twisted son of a bitch.” Jeff laughed. Then the door opened. Amanda stormed into the room, and slapped Jeff across the face.
“Where the fuck were you for my sweet sixteen!” she yelled at him.
“You saw me fall off the rooftop.” Jeff told her in a small voice.
“Do you know how many guys I had to make out with and strip for, to make myself feel amazing at my party?”
“Umm… I don…” before he could finish she snapped at him
“6 guys to make out with, 3 guys to strip for, and 2 guys to give blow jobs to!” She turned and sat on the chair next to his bed.
“You did WHAT?!” Jeff screamed at her.
“Oh ya, blame me, you weren’t there Jack ass.” Jeff tried to calm himself down, and it worked.
“I’m sorry, I will throw you a personal sweet 16.” Jeff told her.
“Aww ok babe.” She walked over to him and whispered in his ear.
“I’m sure I can make you forget about what I did to those other guys when you get home.” Jeff eyes widened again, and were accompanied by a sluggish smile.
“Well, your dad is just outside, ready to take you home, see you tonight.” She winked and walked away.
“Ready to go home bud.” His dad said
“Yup.” Jeff smiled and sat in the wheel chair. On the way to the entrance people gave Jeff the weirdest look. He looked down…nope nothing embarrassing that could have been caused by what Amanda said. As the got to the exit a small kid walked up to him.
“Are you Jeff?” he asked him
“Uhh… ya I am…why?” Jeff inquired.
“The same Jeff that stripped for the cop and then fell off the playground roof.” Jeff looked up and to the hospital door.
“Sara!” He whispered through clenched teeth.
“Well are you.” Jeff turned to the little kid.
“She was a 10 on the hot scale kid, and she made it worth my while.” Jeff winked at the kid and was pushed by his father out to the car.
Only 6 more hours. Jeff thought looking at the clock… it was 4 pm.

(Part 4) Meeting Sara

Jeff woke up to the sound of the Heart Monitor Flat Lining. He got up and felt light as air.

“Holy Shit” Jeff looked around.

“I’m Dead!” Jeff looked around frantically. The curtains at the edge of the room flew back and Jeff saw a girl on a bed next to him.

“Your not dead, genius.” She giggled, Jeff cringed at her giggle, and he’s not the kind of guy to do this. Back before he started dating Amanda, he would joke and flirt with girls to get them to giggle, it was very appealing to him, but this girls giggle was like a high pitch whine mixed with a bat and dolphin.

“Uh, ok thanks for the info…I’m Jeff.” Jeff extended his arm to shake the girls hand…just to realize that he was not even close to having his arm half way. The girl giggled again.

“First time at the hospital I assume? I’m Sara by the way.” She shrugged her shoulders and turned her face trying to look cute and innocent.

“Yeah…well first time in this wing at least. I fell off…” Jeff realized that the truth was a bad idea since it was completely outrageous and she wouldn’t believe it…and if she did, she would just laugh.

“I fell off my ceilling and hit my head off of a tree branch.” Jeff finished his sentence, feeling very proud at his lie.

“Oh that sounds like it hurt,” Sara said, sounding and looking worried, “Is that why you’ve been here for 3 weeks?”

“3 WEEKS?!” Jeff turned his head very quick to look at the nearest calendar, it was June 15^th… only after did he feel a great pain in his neck and throw his head down on the pillow. “Ugh, son of a bitch.” Jeff moaned and threw his hand over his eyes.

“What are you moaning at? The fact that you’ve been unconscious for 3 weeks or that you are a dumb ass and turned your head to quickly?” Sara once again turned her head to look innocent.

“Both,” Jeff sighed and slid his hands away from his face. “My girlfriends birthday was yesterday, she’s going to kill me.”

“If your neck doesn’t that is.” Sara smiled…the way she always did up to this point.

“Not funny.” Jeff said, although he was smiling and holding back a laugh.

“Well, I’m sure she will understand. I mean you were unconscious.” Sara looked at him waiting for an answer.

“That’s true, thanks Sara. So why are you here?” Jeff asked as he pushed himself on the pillow behind him to sit up.

“Well it’s a funny story, so my friends were over at my house having a little party, and then my friend Kathleen, we call her Crackleen, because…she brought some cocaine!” Jeff’s eyes widened and he shook his head and looked at Sara. “How old are you again?” He asked,

“16 almost 17 why how old are you?”

“16…just turned.” He said still trying to control his surprise.

“Oh that’s cool. Anyways so my friends and I were really …you know…out of it, and then Leslie, who were call Liquory, brought beer and vodka, I was soo happy. Anyways so when we are done I spent a good hour over my toilet, cleaning the system and then I stood up quickly and hit my head off of the medicine cabinet, and got dizzy. So I tried walking straight and fell down the stairs. And I was out cold, and my parents just put me in my bed, when I didn’t wake up for a day they realized I was unconscious…like you,” She turned and looked at Jeff and gave a smile, Jeff tried stopping his surprised stare, but when Sara laughed he knew he hadn’t done a good enough job. “And now here I am with you, pretty wild story huh?” Jeff turned and laid looking at the ceiling.

“Ya…just a bit.”

“Well I am going to catch some sleep…wanted and intended sleep…not sleep being forced after falling down stairs, or off the ceiling, you think I believe that huh?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” asked Jeff

“Well first, you said you fell off your CEILING and hit your head off a tree…so what indoor tree causes a concussion?”

“Oh ya…I mean…”

“And 2^nd my mom saw you…” Jeff’s eyes widened, as there was a knock on the door.

“Baby, I’m here, is that cute boy still knocked out? Can I still do those things to him?” Jeff through his arms out and closed the curtains. Just as he did that his dad came in.

“Hey Jeff, how’s the head…”

“It’s good dad…”

“Is it still staying strong and alert when you woke up? Like that little pun there?” His dad laughed.

“Ya, ya dad it was pretty goo…” he started before his dad talked again.

“And I DO mean little.” His dad laughed again.

“So how are you dad?” Jeff asked while concealing himself from laughter.

“I’m good but I gotta go, just wanted to make a few jokes before I went for my interview.”

“Ok, good luck.”

“Thanks bud, I’ll see you later.” Then his dad left. Jeff turned and saw the silhouette of the crazy lady at the park.

“Now you listen to me, I want you to get dressed for the family reunion tomorrow, try to lose a few pounds while you’re here to won’tcha?” then Jeff heard the door close and he opened the curtains again.

“Your dad seems really nice.” Sara said, looking sad, Jeff looked at Sara, he figured he should try and make her feel better.

“I didn’t fall off my roof, I fell the roof to a play house at the park your mom takes your little brother too and hit my head off of some monkey bars.” Sara just looked at him, her face was completely red and she was biting her bottom lip.

“That’s…terrible..." She had to turn and look away before she laughed. "You wanna here a funny story?”

“Of course.” Jeff said getting ready to hear a story.

"One time I was driving by a Tim Hortons and the sign for it said 'Try our Coffee, its like Social Lubricant.' I laughed pretty hard.” Sara laughed at her little reminiscence.

“That’s pretty funny.” Jeff said…trying to be convincing.

“Thanks.” Jeff looked at Sara.

“Why aren’t you happy?” he asked

“Happiness is overrated.” She stated as she climbed off her bed and went over to some jeans that were lying on the chair and she started to put on.

“No, pants are overrated, happiness is intended.” Sara turned around and just laughed uncontrollably.

“Are you not hungry at all? I remember when I woke up I was starving.” Jeff looked at his stomach, it was growling.

“Ya, I’m pretty hungry, where’s the café?”

“It’s just one floor beneath us, but take the elevator, it’s faster.” Sara said

“Ok thanks.” Jeff got up and headed for the elevator. He pressed the button and waited for the elevator to get to his floor, and then it did, the doors opened to reveal a man standing in the elevator. Jeff stepped into the elevator, and pressed the button.

“The elevator doors are like your mother.” The man in the elevator, Jeff raised an eyebrow and turned to him.

“I’m sorry…what?”

“They never stay closed, if you want me to be specific I mean her legs.” The man started laughing.

“Ok…” Jeff turned towards the elevator doors again waiting for them to open. But the guy started up again.

“In fact your mothers like this entire elevator, everyone is allowed in.” The door opened and Jeff rushed out, he could still hear the guy behind him.

“HEY LOOK I’M STILL INSIDE YOUR MOTHER, I CAN GO LIKE THIS FOR DAYS!” Jeff walked up to the café lady, she looked at him and in a rusty voice she spoke to him.

“What do you want today kid.” Jeff took a moment and looked around the board.

“Umm… can I have, a pizza, apple…and…” He looked around again and saw the coffee.

“And One large Social lubricant 3 milks, 2 and a half sugars…” He couldn’t believe what he just said. The café lady raised an eye brow.

“You want some ice cream with that sport? We have some nice delicious Vagina ice cream…I make it personally in the back, you can watch me if you want.” Jeff’s eyes grew big.

“Actually I’m not hungry buh bye.” He turned around and fast walked away trying to get to the elevator as fast as possible.

“THE OFFERS ALWAYS OPEN HOT HIPS.”

What is with all these senile grandma’s wanting me? Jeff thought.

He pressed the elevator button and walked in quickly he closed his eyes and put his hands on his face again.

“Back again I see…you got an all day pass to your mother huh?” Jeff raised his head. He looked at the guy and turned to him.

“Whatcha gunna do ki…” Before he finished his sentence Jeff punched him right in the jaw. He dropped and spat up blood. Jeff walked out and towards his room.

“Son of a bitch…” Said the man as the doors closed again. Jeff jumped back in bed and tried to go to sleep.

“The café lady hit on you too?” Sara asked giving a big smile. Jeff couldn’t help but smile.

“Shut up Sara, catch some intended sleep.”

(Part 3) Good Morning To You Too Soldier.

Jeff woke up the next morning, he was freezing, and sore everywhere. His side felt like it had been hit by a car. He raised his head, which was buried in woodchucks, to see a kid wind up and kick him in the side…the side that felt like it had been hit by a car.

“OUCH! You son of a bitch!” Jeff cringed as the kid moved back, holding his side.

“What do you think I am hun?” asked an older woman’s voice.

“Sorry, I didn’t actually mean it,” Jeff was about to go on apologizing, but he was trying to hold back tears from the kick, while still on the ground, before he could finish his apology she interrupted him.

“Well, you ain’t that bad lookin’ from the front. If you were a little older I would…” Jeff was shocked at what he was hearing, so he tried to stop her.

“Where am I?” he questioned hoping she would stop the topic she was on.

“Grossel park, well young man, imagine my surprise when I came down here with my 12 year old son and see your naked ass lying on the ground…” before she could finish Jeff looked down in terror…he WAS naked…at a children’s park.

“OH MY GOD!” he screamed, the woman kept talking as though he hadn’t said anything.

“Me, a helpless divorcé, needing a good time, finds a fine looking young man, naked. If only I knew you looked this good, I wouldn’t have called the cops.”
“The cops!” Jeff started to panic.

“Yes, I’m sorry hun, don’t worry, here,” the woman took a pen out of her purse and wrote an address on his arm. “You go here, and I’ll make sure I make it up to you..”

“Uhh… I’m sorry… I…have a girlfriend…it’s… an arranged wedding…she’s…my fiancé.” Jeff tried coming up with it on the spot…he knew it wasn’t good.

“Aww to bad hun, you are too cute, a fiancé huh? Well…let’s see if you still wanna be with her when I’m done with you.” She gave a wink, turned and walked away. Jeff tried to stop staring at her, completely confused, but he couldn’t.

“This is defiantly the weirdest morning ever.” He was about to walk over to his clothes he had spotted on top of the playgrounds roof when he heard a door slamming shut, he turned around. It was the same cop from last night, he walked over to Jeff, stopped in front of him and started.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” the cop raised his eyebrows and placed his hands on his hip. This is a really bad time to find out that this cop is gay. Although he knew he should be thinking of an excuse he couldn’t help but think that.

“Officer I can explain.” Jeff started but stopped, he needed all the time he could to think of an excuse.

“Mhmm, I’m sure you can, so kid, why aren’t you at the hospital.” The cop switched hips this time.

“Well, you see, when I got there my girlfriend was there and was crying, so I had to be strong for her, she loved my grandma as much as I did…”

“I thought it was HER grandmother.” SHIT! That’s what I told him last night. Jeff thought as quick as possible, then he thought of what to say.

“N…” Jeff didn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence.

“Are you telling me that your girlfriend and you have the same grandmother? Are you to related? That’s sick kid, that’s sick.” The cop had changed his position so that it looked like he was bleeding authority.

“No sir, we are not related…that is sick… last night I know I was telling you that she was hers. But I was very emotional, I didn’t know what I was saying.” The cop calmed down.

“Oh I see, makes sense. Well why are you here naked then?”

“Well her mom wouldn’t let me stay over…and my car ran out of gas on the way to her house, so I fell asleep here.”

“And your naked because?” Jeff thought as quickly as possible.

“I have no idea sir.”

“Well then, go get them and we’ll pretend this never happened. And by the way…” The cop looked down to Jeff’s waist. “Good morning to you too, soldier.” The cop then looked up, back to Jeff’s face. Jeff looked down, covered his soldier and turned around to headed for the playground. He realized, the roof was way to high up, he had to get on the railing, then he heard to noises, one was a whistle, he turned to the cop quickly enough to see him lowering his hand and putting it behind his back, and he heard a coyote howl he turned to the direction of the howl, he saw the old lady hide behind a tree.

God damn this is stupid…and…very, very, awkward. Thought Jeff. He lifted his left leg on to the roof and pulled himself up. Then he walked up and picked up his cloths, when he was still up he heard another car, with his cloths in his arms, he heard a scream.
“JEFF?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!” he turned around as quickly as possible, and saw it was Amanda, stepping out of her car, unfortunately he also lost his balance, and fell down, he rolled off the roof screaming and hit his head off of the monkey bars, and landed back on the ground. Jeff tried lifting his head but it just fell back down. Jeff was unconscious.

(Part 2) She's Ready...Set...Go!

“Your bored? Really? I say I love you and you say your bored, come over?” Jeff hated it when she did this.
“Cool it Jeff, you know I love you, why say it every god damn 5 seconds? I’m bored. And you’re a virgin, we can change that if you want.” Jeff tilted his head in the air and placed the phone to his chest. She used the voice again…damn it, the voice to go along with her looks, Jeff knew he could say no till he was blue in the face, he would be over there.
“So when shall I come over?”
“I’m thinking, ten minutes, or I may just fall out of my mood.” Jeff could feel a grin movie across his face, and she could too.
“Starting, now.” The line went dead, and instantly Jeff panicked,

SHIT! How do I get there…the car…yes! Jeff jumped off his bed and ran down stairs, jumping the last steps, forgetting it was about 4 am, he swung the garage door open, he jumped in the car…
“God…I must be the biggest dumb ass ever.” Jeff said laughing at himself, he opened the door and walked over to the key cubby his parents kept the car keys in.
“It’s not going to work, I drained the gas.” His dad said laughing from his lazy boy
“I’m sorry, I could have sworn you said you drained my gas tank, from my car, that I bought with my money.” Jeff said completely upset.
“Ya I did.” His dad just let it all go and laughed.
“Why dad? Why tonight?”
“Well if you look in the fridge you will understand.” Jeff walked over to the fridge, his entire face went pale.
“Oh my god dad…are…are you ok?” Jeff’s voice cracked and he calmed down immediately.
“Ya I’m fine, I just had to get some gas so I could go get some.”
“How? How did this happen?”
“Carelessness. I just kept consuming, and I didn’t count.” Jeff dropped his head, his dad walked over and put his arms around Jeff.
“It’s ok boy, I got a beer, it will all be fine.”
“But you won’t have any for tomorrow.”
“I will run out and get a Two Four. It’ll be alright.” Jeff looked up and gave his dad a smirk.
“We really are rediculous aren’t we dad.” His dad just gave a big laugh.
“Yes son, yes we are, now go get the gas from my car and put it in yours, I assume you may get lucky tonight?” Once Jeff turned and went to the garage, He started to drain the gas from his dads car. After he loaded it back into his own car. He turned the ignition, it stalled.
“Give it a moment…” His dad said,
“I did, I gave it like two entire seconds.”
“Wait…ok now turn.”
“No dad, it’s not working.”
“Try… pumping the gas.”
“What?”
“Try pumping the gas.” Jeff just turned the ignition and the car started.
“Ok, dad can you open the garage door?”
“Ya sure thing.” It took a good 2 minutes for the door to open and Jeff was on his way, he ran two red lights, and almost hit an old woman, but it would be worth it. Suddenly he heard a noise…a siren… Jeff slowed down and looked into the head lights…the cop was telling him to pull over, he did so.
“You ran two red lights and were going over the speed limit and…” the cop started but then looked at Jeff’s face.
“Please officer you have to let me go, I… I need to get to my girlfriends house…she…no gas…I have to hurry…10 MINUTES!...10 MINUTES!” Jeff was crying…he was so happy with himself, he has moments where he comes to tears quiet often, and it finally paid off.
“Umm ok kid, I’ll leave you with a warning…”
“10 MINUTES!” Jeff yelled, causing a group of cops to look at the cop at Jeff’s car.
“It’s…it’s ok guys, he’s just a little upset that’s all.” The cop said with a smile on his face waving at the group.
“Jack ass.” One of the cops said.
“Ok kid, just go clearly your having a bad night, I just have to give you this ticket…” the cop tried to talk again but Jeff’s phone went off, Amanda had sent him a message,

Five more minutes big boy, you think you can handle me;)

Jeff took a big gulp and stared at the cop
“Sir, do…do you have a dangerous job?”
“Yes…yes I do why?”
“Is there a chance you will die soon?”
“Well…everyone dies, but I do have a dangerous job.”
“Well sir, I was rushing to the hospital, my girlfriends grandmother is sick, I wanted to say goodbye. But…it’s too late now. Sir if you die and go to heaven…can you tell her that I love her? …SHE WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO ME!” Jeff sobbed some more.
“HEY ASSHOLE! LET THE KID GO!” yelled one of the cops in the group.
“Ya, ya I will Steve,” the cop waved at the officer apparently named Steve, “Ok kid, I’m so sorry, I won’t keep you any longer.”
“Thank you officer, thank you for being so reasonable.” Jeff swallowed his tears and drove off. He smiled at himself as he saw the street sign French Av. He was close, only 2 more blocks…but then he heard something else…not a siren… a bubbling noise, he looked at the gas… it was on empty. He jumped out of the car immediately, and ran, luckily he knew a short cut. He jumped a fence and ran across an old woman’s yard, and over the next fence, which led to a park…what he didn’t know is that the ditch that is usually dry, was muddy now, he fell up to his ankles in mud. He just kept running, finally he saw the street, Grossel Dr. And there was the house with a light on, Amanda’s he knocked on the door, took off his shoes and socks… amazingly none had gotten on his pants, and his feet didn’t look drenched. Amanda opened the door.
“Hey baby, why so late?” she said turning around after grabbing his hand and dragging him with her.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Amanda sat him down and sat on his lap, facing him.
“Well I hope this is worth it then.” She moved in close to kiss him, he could feel warm breath from her mouth hit his lips, when suddenly he heard a beeping noise.
“Uh oh, looks like you are too late, so sad.” She moved back and sat besides him, Jeff couldn’t believe this.
“Come on, I had to fill my car with gas from my dads car, I got pulled over by a cop, and then my car broke down and I had to run all the way over here. My shoes are muddy, come on I deserve this.” She turned to face him
“You did all that for me huh? Sounds like someone’s desperate…well, lets see if I can change that.” She started to pull down his pants when she whispered in his ear,
“You got protection?” Jeff smirked.
“Why of course.” He put his hand in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, he reached in there and pulled out…a note.

Dear Jeff, sorry had to take your condom…it doesn’t matter though…she’s holding out anyways right? Have a good one.
Ted.
Jeff sat looking at the note for a good three minutes after having finished reading it.
“Well? We going to do this or what? I could be sleeping right now.” Jeff looked her in the eyes and with a cracked voice he said.
“How bout we make out?” she just pulled up his pants and got up ready to go upstairs.
“Nope, I think I’ll be stubborn.” Jeff walked to the door and opened it, he closed his eyes and thought COME ON! I’ve gone to far to just leave. He turned around, kept his eyes closed and said the words he wanted to say.
“Blow Job? Hand Job?”
“Sure blow job sounds good,” Amanda said sticking her head from around a wall.
“But where IS Ted anyways?” She smirked, turned around and walked upstairs to go to bed.

(Part 1) Can't Do Better Then Perfect...Unless....

Jeff laid in bed, looking at the ceiling. His hair was a mess and his eyes were blood shot. He turned and looked at the clock, 3: 40 am, he gave a sigh of disappointment as he turned to his homes phone and turned on the speaker.
“…and so I said to her fuck you, I want that dress, it makes my ass look fantastic. Can you believe her?” Jeff didn’t even bother answering her, he knew she would continue immediately. “Well I couldn’t let her have it. So what else could I do? I put my finger in my mouth and threw up all over her purse. I just said I had a bad Fish Fillet. So how was your day?” Now Jeff thought,
I could tell her but she wouldn’t listen…or…
He picked up the phone and took it off speaker, “Do you know what time it is Amanda? Can you comprehend how long you’ve been talking for?” There wasn’t even a pause, Amanda just started. “Well…if your in such a bad mood, how bout you go on your favorite website, Redtube, blow off some steam and call me back, see ya.” And with that she hung up. Jeff just flopped his head on the bed. “I can’t stand her anymore.” He just stared at his ceiling, thinking of who to call… half his friends loved Amanda more then they liked him. Finally he got it. He dialed the number and waited.
“Hell..o?” a man said in a tired voice.
“Hey Ted how are ya.” Jeff said in a cheery voice, glad to hear someone was as tired as he was.
“…Jeff… I swear to god, I will go down to the woods, find a long stick and head to your house, kick in the door while your on redtube and shove it up your…” Before he finished Jeff interrupted. “Why does everyone think I love redtube so much?” He spoke in a cocky joking tone of voice he had grown to love over years of using it on Amanda.
“What are you calling me for Jeff.” Jeff took a deep breath in, hoping his reason was good enough.
“Should I break up with Amanda?” He held his breath at this point, surprised that Ted hadn’t said anything, and then scared for what he was about to say.
“Don’t you love her?” it took all Jeff’s strength not to laugh.
“Nope, not at all.” This time Ted laughed, extremely hard.
“Are you kidding me? This better be new, don’t tell me you’ve been wiped for no reason for the past four years.” Jeff took a deep breath in. “It’s been awhile.” More like two years “Well I don’t know, I mean, you’ve been dating since grade eight. You don’t wanna go to prom with her?”
“Nope not at all. I don’t like her Ted.”
“Well lets remember this, remind me about the time you first met her

Jeff was sitting at the swings, he was only 10, and Jeff had just moved to the Grand Heights, He had missed the bus and was late, he had arrived at recess. He didn’t know anyone at all, everyone was a stranger. Jeff was just sitting there, swinging back and forth on the swing set. That’s when she walked over, arms behind her, grabbing her wrist with one hand. She walked right over to Jeff.
“Hey, I’m Amanda.” Jeff was silent, he was like that sometimes, well…he was like that when he first met someone.
“You want a rock?” She asked, “Uhh sure.” Jeff replied holding out his left hand. Amanda just placed a pine cone into his hand… he looked right at her with a confused look on his face.
“Umm… I hate to tell you this, but that’s a pine cone.”
“Either way, it’s from mother earth and it tastes good, she said placing the pine cone in her mouth.
“That’s…pretty gross…not gunna lie.”
“Oh sorry, I just love putting things in my mouth…” And from that moment Jeff thought he was in love. Finally after hanging out with Amanda all recess the bell rang, Jeff got off the swings getting ready to leave for class, when Amanda grabbed his hand and held it.
“You’re my boyfriend.” She stated in a “Matter-Of-Fact” voice.
“Got it, I’m your boyfriend. Does this mean we can kiss?” Jeff asked, not having had a girlfriend before.
“No, my mom told me you guys only want one thing, and that’s babies, your going to kiss me and get me pregnant, then you have to get a job and support me.” Jeff’s entire face went pale.

“Happy?” Jeff asked
“Yep… its funny…even when she was 10 she loved wood in her mouth.” Ted laughed at his joke…as if no one had thought of that.
“It wasn’t wood… it was a pine cone… I don’t think pine cones are wood.”
“Ya well… still…loose mouth at 10 should have been a bad sign.” Ted laughed some more. “Ok so why do you want to dump her.” This time Jeff couldn’t hold in his laughter.
“Are you kidding me Ted? Lets see… she cheated on me last year, she hits on every guy, even when I’m right there, she tells me what to do,” Ted made a whip noise, Jeff just sighed and continued “She keeps me up all night…and not even in the good way…she just talks about her day…and she hasn’t given out yet…but she did to a guy she knew for a day when WE were still dating…I mean…come on.” Ted took a minute and then came up with his rebuttal. “Ok…so she’s done some stuff in the past. But…she is hot…” Jeff took in this information. “Ok, although that’s true…like…really true…like I have a picture and some times I… never mind.”
“Ya, I know I do the same thing. And not to sound gay or anything but… I mean you too look good together.” Jeff thought about all this for awhile. Then he realized that it was true. “I guess I have to take her for what she is, I mean… I can’t do any better then perfect right?” Ted laughed. “Well you don’t know how she is in bed.”
“Sure I do, I just gotta ask the guy from last year.”
“Haha, true I guess, do you know who it was?” Ted asked
“Nope… not sure I want to know either.”
“Might be looking into… kinda like your girlfriend…and by looking into I mean with your penis…”
“Ya, I got that much Ted… I will see ya tomorrow, we still on for that double date?”
“Ya, Sam is looking forward to seeing The Day Before Today.”
“Ok well I’ll talk to you later then.” Jeff hung up and looked at the ceiling
What was I thinking dumping Amanda…that’s so stupid, sure she’s made mistakes…but…I probably deserved it…like karma…kicking me in the balls…
The phone rang, Jeff picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Hey you done on Redtube Mr.Twoshakes?
“Yup…how are you Amanda? I love You.”
“Mhmm, what ever Jeff come over here I’m bored.”