(Part 1) Can't Do Better Then Perfect...Unless....

Jeff laid in bed, looking at the ceiling. His hair was a mess and his eyes were blood shot. He turned and looked at the clock, 3: 40 am, he gave a sigh of disappointment as he turned to his homes phone and turned on the speaker.
“…and so I said to her fuck you, I want that dress, it makes my ass look fantastic. Can you believe her?” Jeff didn’t even bother answering her, he knew she would continue immediately. “Well I couldn’t let her have it. So what else could I do? I put my finger in my mouth and threw up all over her purse. I just said I had a bad Fish Fillet. So how was your day?” Now Jeff thought,
I could tell her but she wouldn’t listen…or…
He picked up the phone and took it off speaker, “Do you know what time it is Amanda? Can you comprehend how long you’ve been talking for?” There wasn’t even a pause, Amanda just started. “Well…if your in such a bad mood, how bout you go on your favorite website, Redtube, blow off some steam and call me back, see ya.” And with that she hung up. Jeff just flopped his head on the bed. “I can’t stand her anymore.” He just stared at his ceiling, thinking of who to call… half his friends loved Amanda more then they liked him. Finally he got it. He dialed the number and waited.
“Hell..o?” a man said in a tired voice.
“Hey Ted how are ya.” Jeff said in a cheery voice, glad to hear someone was as tired as he was.
“…Jeff… I swear to god, I will go down to the woods, find a long stick and head to your house, kick in the door while your on redtube and shove it up your…” Before he finished Jeff interrupted. “Why does everyone think I love redtube so much?” He spoke in a cocky joking tone of voice he had grown to love over years of using it on Amanda.
“What are you calling me for Jeff.” Jeff took a deep breath in, hoping his reason was good enough.
“Should I break up with Amanda?” He held his breath at this point, surprised that Ted hadn’t said anything, and then scared for what he was about to say.
“Don’t you love her?” it took all Jeff’s strength not to laugh.
“Nope, not at all.” This time Ted laughed, extremely hard.
“Are you kidding me? This better be new, don’t tell me you’ve been wiped for no reason for the past four years.” Jeff took a deep breath in. “It’s been awhile.” More like two years “Well I don’t know, I mean, you’ve been dating since grade eight. You don’t wanna go to prom with her?”
“Nope not at all. I don’t like her Ted.”
“Well lets remember this, remind me about the time you first met her

Jeff was sitting at the swings, he was only 10, and Jeff had just moved to the Grand Heights, He had missed the bus and was late, he had arrived at recess. He didn’t know anyone at all, everyone was a stranger. Jeff was just sitting there, swinging back and forth on the swing set. That’s when she walked over, arms behind her, grabbing her wrist with one hand. She walked right over to Jeff.
“Hey, I’m Amanda.” Jeff was silent, he was like that sometimes, well…he was like that when he first met someone.
“You want a rock?” She asked, “Uhh sure.” Jeff replied holding out his left hand. Amanda just placed a pine cone into his hand… he looked right at her with a confused look on his face.
“Umm… I hate to tell you this, but that’s a pine cone.”
“Either way, it’s from mother earth and it tastes good, she said placing the pine cone in her mouth.
“That’s…pretty gross…not gunna lie.”
“Oh sorry, I just love putting things in my mouth…” And from that moment Jeff thought he was in love. Finally after hanging out with Amanda all recess the bell rang, Jeff got off the swings getting ready to leave for class, when Amanda grabbed his hand and held it.
“You’re my boyfriend.” She stated in a “Matter-Of-Fact” voice.
“Got it, I’m your boyfriend. Does this mean we can kiss?” Jeff asked, not having had a girlfriend before.
“No, my mom told me you guys only want one thing, and that’s babies, your going to kiss me and get me pregnant, then you have to get a job and support me.” Jeff’s entire face went pale.

“Happy?” Jeff asked
“Yep… its funny…even when she was 10 she loved wood in her mouth.” Ted laughed at his joke…as if no one had thought of that.
“It wasn’t wood… it was a pine cone… I don’t think pine cones are wood.”
“Ya well… still…loose mouth at 10 should have been a bad sign.” Ted laughed some more. “Ok so why do you want to dump her.” This time Jeff couldn’t hold in his laughter.
“Are you kidding me Ted? Lets see… she cheated on me last year, she hits on every guy, even when I’m right there, she tells me what to do,” Ted made a whip noise, Jeff just sighed and continued “She keeps me up all night…and not even in the good way…she just talks about her day…and she hasn’t given out yet…but she did to a guy she knew for a day when WE were still dating…I mean…come on.” Ted took a minute and then came up with his rebuttal. “Ok…so she’s done some stuff in the past. But…she is hot…” Jeff took in this information. “Ok, although that’s true…like…really true…like I have a picture and some times I… never mind.”
“Ya, I know I do the same thing. And not to sound gay or anything but… I mean you too look good together.” Jeff thought about all this for awhile. Then he realized that it was true. “I guess I have to take her for what she is, I mean… I can’t do any better then perfect right?” Ted laughed. “Well you don’t know how she is in bed.”
“Sure I do, I just gotta ask the guy from last year.”
“Haha, true I guess, do you know who it was?” Ted asked
“Nope… not sure I want to know either.”
“Might be looking into… kinda like your girlfriend…and by looking into I mean with your penis…”
“Ya, I got that much Ted… I will see ya tomorrow, we still on for that double date?”
“Ya, Sam is looking forward to seeing The Day Before Today.”
“Ok well I’ll talk to you later then.” Jeff hung up and looked at the ceiling
What was I thinking dumping Amanda…that’s so stupid, sure she’s made mistakes…but…I probably deserved it…like karma…kicking me in the balls…
The phone rang, Jeff picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Hey you done on Redtube Mr.Twoshakes?
“Yup…how are you Amanda? I love You.”
“Mhmm, what ever Jeff come over here I’m bored.”