(Part 9) Burry Me Next To The Dead Bitch

Jeff had fallen a sleep a little into the priest’s speech, he could hear the voices get quieter and louder, he heard every other word, but then he felt a push on his shoulder, it was his dad waking him up.
“Jeff, your up next.” His father said, he saw the woman to the other side of his dad, she looked disgusted. Falling asleep at a funeral…it was pretty low. The only reason Jeff found his situation funny was because he saw the irony of falling asleep at an open wake
Amanda is even A-Wake for it. He laughed at his little terrible joke, then he decided to listen in to the eulogy that was being given, in hopes that he would get some ideas.
“…she was a straight C+ student, she had such a bright future ahead of her, if only she applied herself. I will always love her and care for her…but she’s dead now and everything. Goodbye and goodnight Amanda,” her mom started to cry, “Up next, the ever loved Amanda’s truthful, faithful, loyal, ex boyfriend, Jeff Dunwell, who broke up with her the morning she died.” Jeff took a deep swallow, he could’ve sworn that everyone heard it, but he just heard a girl gasp from the other side of the room, so he figured he was safe. He stood up and headed towards the stand, still not knowing what he was going to say. As he walked up the stairs he heard the doors to enter the room swing open, he turned around to see the back of the girl, she looked familiar but he had no idea who it was. When he finally took his place on at the stage, he looked at the crowd.
“Amanda Suckmore…” GREAT FUCKING WAY TO START JEFF! He thought completely upset with himself “Sookmer…I’m sorry, it’s been a stress full week,” he recoiled, “She was beautiful, kind… to everyone…” he lowered his voice, “And I DO mean everyone.” He said under his breath.
“We heard you say that you know.” Called a man from the back
“Thank you sir… she stopped everyone’s heart when she turned around…”
“Yeah, she DID have a nice ass didn’t she.” Exclaimed a man, suddenly every guy in the room talked, Jeff could hear, “Yeah, she did.” “It’s weird she suggested Doggy style, but I actually turned her down because I didn’t want to ruin it.” Jeff just closed his eyes.
Don’t listen to them, just quickly think of what else to say.
“She…was amazing and wonderful.” Jeff said, just lying through his teeth. Then he turned to the coffin, he looked at her, she was…calm… but her mouth was stretched to the size of an ‘O’ with the same cloths she was in when she had the crash…then he saw something.
“Umm… Ms. Sookmer…can you come here please?” he called. She ran over and took to Jeff’s side.
“Yes, hun, bun, cu…”she stopped herself before she said what she was going to.
“Do you see that?” Jeff said pointing to a wet mark on Amanda’s chin.
“Umm…well look at how stretched her mouth is…it’s probably just saliva.” She replied happily. Jeff turned around and spoke into the microphone.
“Did anyone else she the love shot on Amanda’s chin?” everyone was silent. Amanda’s mom gave Jeff the death stare. Jeff looked around.
“Goodnight Amanda, Live Long and…” Jeff stopped himself…
1.She’s dead already Jeff you stupid, stupid…2. why bring up star trek? This is a damn funeral. Why don’t you just put her on a conveyer belt and ship her off with the stars!
“Sleep well and decompose well.” He turned…there was NO WAY he just said that. He just lowered his head and walked to seat next to his dad. He was blushing.
“It’s ok son, we understand, your terrified, you are depressed, it’s alright. How about you go outside for some air.” Jeff agreed and made his way out. On his way he heard,
“Poor boy, he must be destroyed, that’s the only reason he could have made a eulogy THAT bad.” He just shook his head, he swung the doors open and walked towards the exit, he rolled up his sleeves, he swung the doors open, put his hands on his hips, closed his eyes, raised his head towards the sky and let out a deep sigh. How? That was the only thing going through his head. Worst eulogy? No, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was bad. Then he felt his phone vibrate. He it out and read the new message. It was from his Dad… Jeff’s eyes grew big.
Hey Kiddo. Can you find a ride and come home in an hour? Did YOU know Sara’s mom’s here? See ya later bud.
Jeff couldn’t believe it…he suddenly realized that the warm breeze he felt on the back of his neck hadn’t gone away…it was more of a heavy panting… he turned around, he didn’t see anything aside from a fist collide with his nose. He fell back and landed on the ground, when he opened his eyes he could barley see anything. But then the images came together as he saw an all to familiar face coming in close. Sara. Tears streaked her face which was beat red.
“Sara… wait I can explain.” She grabbed the body of his shirt and lifted him up…he was confused with the strength she had…she lifted him completely off the ground and through him at the railing by the stairs. He bounced off it having hit his head. He started to bleed.
“The morning before she died Jeff, are you telling me you cheated on my best friend with me?!” Jeff’s jaw dropped… he looked down as he felt liquids pouring out of his mouth…not blood…saliva… his salivary glands were going crazy.
“You…but…she NEVER talked about you, and we were dating for years.”
“YEARS!” she exclaimed grabbing his hair and throwing him yet again, this time he didn’t go to far, but once he touched the ground she jumped on him and started punching him in the face…if he wasn’t bleeding before, he sure was now
“She was cheating on me with a GIRL Sara, she had used up all the guys and moved on to girls!”
“So? You should have talked about it.” Sara walked away and headed to her car.
“Sara… I’m sorry, it’s just… after that night, I realized I couldn’t stand her, she was cheating on me, and I hated her, and then when I was with you…I just… it was nice? Ok?” Bad choice of words, she stopped
“IT WAS NICE?!” she ran at him again, she kicked him in the side, he through his head in the air, she grabbed his throat, she lifted him up and with her other hand grabbed the his pants…if it wasn’t for the insane amount of strength she was grabbing him, and all the blood he was losing, he might of enjoyed it… She then threw him in the air, as he started his decent to the ground she ran to his falling body and hurled him down faster towards the ground. Jeff lay there not being able to move, not that he wanted to, he was in enough pain not moving.
“Just nice?” she said with a crooked smile on her face.
“Amazing.” Jeff corrected himself.
“I wish I could say the same…but you weren’t big enough.” She smirked and walked away. Jeff turned on his side as he walked away.
“Sara wait.” He called out, she stopped again and turned around, “I…love you.” Did he mean it? He didn’t even know, but he wanted to fix things.
“You…love me?” she replied, her hands softened up from the fist she had been making. “Yeah… I do.” She smiled
“Aww…” She gave a big smile and ran towards him. She gave him a huge hug, which caused tears to run down Jeff’s face. “AWWW!” she said again, not knowing it was from the pain of his probably bruised rib.
“I love you too.” She smiled and skipped to her car. “Call me later.” She said as she got into her car and drove away.
Jeff still laid there, completely shocked at what had just happened… he was in so much pain. He checked his forehead, a three inch cut, his lip was cut open and he was bleeding from his right ear. He got up and walked to his car. He didn’t care if his dad needed it. He wanted to go home and sleep it off. By the time he had gotten home he got a text message from his dad.
Hey, thanks for taking the car. But now I need to make sure you don’t get a certain coffin… she’s a crazy sex crazed chick buddy ;)
Jeff didn’t bother replying… he didn’t want to hear about any positions his dad was in with his girlfriends mom. He just placed a cover over his bed and drifted off to sleep.

(Part 8) Nerves With Tacos

Jeff looked out the passenger window, while his dad was driving him to the crash.
“Hey… it’s ok Jeff… I’m sure it was quick and painless…she’s in a better place now…well… actually she’s probably in hell being molested by her dead uncle…but if she was in heaven…that’d be nice right?” Jeff just looked at him… he had forgotten about Amanda, he was thinking of Sara… he was still wondering if he had done something he was going to regret.
“Uhh… yeah… your probably right dad…” He just turned around and placed his forehead against the glass, as he saw a giant transport truck on it’s side in the middle of the road. There was a huge scar down the hill and leading to the lake, where a car had fallen. Jeff got out of the car and walked over to an officer…it was Steve… the cop that yelled at the cop who had pulled him over the one time and caught him naked at the park.
“Hey…are you Jeffrey Dunwell?” asked Steve.
“Yes officer…” Jeff said solemnly although he felt fake doing so.
“Well… as you can see…your girlfriend… Ms. Amanda Sukmore…”
“Sookmer.” Corrected Jeff.
“Oh yeah… Sookmer. Well…she pretty much had a bad accident… and now she’s dead…” Steve said pretty unsympathetically.
“Oh… I see,” Jeff tried hard to not have sarcasm in his voice as he said this… the cop was being a dumb ass. “Well… how did it happen?”
“Well… according to eye witnesses reports, first the driver saw a squirrel on the road and swerved to avoid it. According to the driver the squirrel was cute and cuddly looking, and it reminded him of his wife… I’m not sure if he is implying that he performs unmentionable tasks towards animals that are looked down upon by our society for good reasons, or if he is joking…but either way…it’s not funny. Ms. Sookmer saw this and tried to avoid it. That’s when she slid under a transport truck.”
“And it flipped out of control and she died seamlessly right?” Jeff tried to rush the cop…he needed to talk to Sara about last night… as good as it was…not that he had anything to compare it too. After Jeff realized he was doing this he felt terrible for it
What kind of person tries to rush how there ex girlfriends died? What kind of soulless creature would do this?
“Nope there’s more.” Steve replied
Son of a bitch, why won’t she just die already? thought Jeff.
“That’s when the tires bent with ninety degrees so that it perfectly drove under the transport truck sideways. After going for a good couple miles, the vehicle had come in contact with the two back right wheels, the transport truck tipped, and landed on her car, “Wow… what a way to go?” Jeff tried stating this as a question and succeeded.
“You would think after all this her anxiety would have gotten to the point that it would have killed her right? But forensics show that she didn’t die by that. No, when the transport truck tipped it landed on the back of the car, it folded the rear of the car in, that’s when the car fell of the road and down the hill, it rolled and rolled, we imagine it had some good air time at points, but it all seriousness she did have some head trauma. then the car hit the road at the bottom of this hill and the sparks created a minor fire, her lower half was burned. It was a first degree burn, not to bad, but still hurts, luckily for her the car rolled into the lake and she drowned there.”
“Oh my god.” Jeff couldn’t believe it… but then Steve started laughing
“Oh god, that was funny… no, she was having sex with a guy while driving and drove off the road and into the lake…but I mean, your face was just so… god that was good… I saw the transport truck here and I was like oh god wouldn’t it be awesome if the too accidents were combined… well it was… the trucker saw them having sex mid-drive then turned to quickly and tipped it but that wasn’t tragic enough.” Jeff was silent, he couldn’t believe Steve had done that… it was funny but still.
“Well that doesn’t change the fact that she’s dead, that stupid whore.” Jeff couldn’t believe she had already started having sex with someone… he though she would have at least waited a day to do anything with anyone because she was emotional.
“The man’s name was Richard Mongo.” A cop walked up to him and put his hand on Steve’s shoulder.
“Richard Muncher, Steve…” Steve’s face just lit up.
“Are you kidding me? THAT’S AMAZING! Dick Muncher?” he asked with a giddiness in his voice.
“Yes, that would be the short form of his name.” sighed the cop as he walked away.
“Well… that’s great…” Jeff started to sound depressed… he hated her…but this was too much.
“If it makes you feel better,” Started Steve after he stopped laughing, “She drowned in Ayehoresmout Lake.” Jeff looked up with a smile.
“That kinda sounds like.” Before he could finish Steve interrupted to say the catch line.
“She drowned in A Whores Mouth! I know! Isn’t it amazing!? God… I LOVE TODAY!” said Steve as he turned around, then he raised his arms in the air and yelled to another cop. “ANYONE GOT KOOL-AID?” Jeff turned around and walked to his dad.
“Well… you get any closure?” his dad asked him
“Yeah,” Jeff sighed. “It wasn’t that hard, I don’t have any emotional attachment to her anymore dad.” His dad just looked at him with a very sympathetic look.
“It’s ok sport, you don’t have to have your heart be so hard, it’s ok to cry.” Then his dad grabbed him and gave him a hug, he squeezed Jeff way to hard,
“CRY JEFF! IT’S OK!” his dad yelled. Jeff did. “There, there. It’ll be ok.” Jeff’s dad loosened his grip as Jeff pushed himself free and started coughing.
“Jeff are you ok?” his dad asked him.
“You smell like sweat and… I don’t know but it doesn’t smell good!” The smell had brought tears to Jeff’s eyes.
“Oh, that’s Sara’s mothers perfume, Le cougar I believe.” Jeff just laughed.
“Let’s go home dad.” Jeff’s dad tried talking to Jeff and having his ‘true feelings’ come out… but there was nothing there… at all. He had emotions, he even felt guilty for the whole deal last night with Sara… for no good reason. Finally he got home, and he just called up Sara.
“Hello?” Sara’s voice said, it sounded very scratchy
“Hey… it’s Jeff… are you ok?”
“Oh, hi Jeff.” Sara’s voice immediately changed into happy, giggly Sara’s voice. But she was breathing pretty hard still…as if she was crying.
“I was wondering if you wanted to hang out.”
“Ok, pick me up now?”
“Ok… where are we go…” before he could finish Sara gave him her answer.
“The mall.” They said there goodbyes…it seemed to be easier for Sara then Jeff… which he didn’t understand, but either way he had gotten into his car, picked up Sara and driven to the mall. They went in and out of stores, until they got to Stitch That! Then Sara started to squeal.
“You need to put on skinny jeans!” She exclaimed as she looked up at Jeff with hopeful eyes.
“Umm… no thanks.” He said, lightly pulling on her hand to see if she would move, she didn’t budge.
“Aww. Why not?” she asked giving him the worst puppy dog face ever.
“Because, I enjoy my sperm count to be above zero.” He said simply… it wasn’t his real reason but it was a more comical one he though.
“That’s stupid, give me your real reason.” She said, loosing the puppy dog face and just having a sad face.
“Because, I don’t like them?”
“Fine.” Sara said, she looked back at the store. “They have a really nice dress, it’s black and has stitched patterns on it and it looks amazing. But I don’t have the money.” She just walked away tugging at Jeff’s hand,
I could get it for her now…or I can make her think I don’t care and get it for her when she least expects it. He just let Sara tug him away. They spent some more time around the mall and then they went to the food court.
“What should we get to eat?” Jeff asked her looking at the stands. The Asian Skillet, The Pizza Box, Burgerville, and then he saw it… The Taco Sombrero.
“The Taco Sombrero!” Jeff screamed as he tugged Sara towards it, she stood still again.
“No!” Sara said simply, with the most stern voice Jeff had ever heard.
“Why not?” asked Jeff, confused “Do you not like Taco’s?”
“No, it’s not that… I…I can’t eat them… I’m a pig.” She lowered her head and looked down ashamed. Jeff placed two fingers under her chin and raised her face to look at him.
“It’s ok, nothing can change how I feel about you.” Jeff said, although he knew it was because he didn’t know what he felt, Sara smiled. Jeff was pleased that she bought this. He was sure she wouldn't because of how corny it was.
“Ok… but I’m asking them to put everything in a bowl, I’ll eat it as a Salad.” They walked up the counter and ordered there food. Then they sat down near the escalator. Jeff started eating his Taco, only thinking, Small bites, don’t be a slob, if you are, use a napkin And he started talking to Sara.
“So, how was your day so far?” she didn’t answer.
“It’s better now.” She said quietly
“Oh really?” Jeff said sounding cocky and intrigued “How come.”
“Cause I’m with you, what? “ Sara said as fast as she could, Jeff heard her still.
“Cause you’re with…who? Damn what is it that you could have said?” Jeff could tell Sara knew that he had heard it… the not so subtle hints gave it away, her face went red. She raised her spoon full of Taco fillings to her mouth, it fell out of her spoon and landed on the table. Jeff couldn’t help but giggle.
“I guess you were right about the whole eating Taco thing.” Jeff smiled as he watched Sara blush uncontrollably, she went for her Coke, but she didn’t grab it, she accidentally pushed it over, a stream of liquid came fast towards Jeff, he moved his legs fast enough to not get any on him.
“Oh my god…” Sara repeated over and over, she got up quickly “I’ll get napkins.” She turned around to fast and didn’t see the small plant that was beside our table and ran right into it, she had her coke in her hands by this point and the lid had broke from it’s small fall, the contents of the cup flew out and landed on someone.
“WHAT THE FUCK!” the person yelled. Jeff got up and placed his arm around Sara’s waist, hurrying her up to walk away, they got on the escalator. Sara avoided Jeff’s eyes like the plague.
“Well…” Jeff started, hoping he could change the subject. “I’ll try those skinny jeans if it makes you feel better.” Sara just laughed,
“No it’s ok, we should get home though, I have a big day coming up on the weekend, I have to get ready for it.” That’s when Jeff remembered SHIT! Amanda’s funeral! It’s this Saturday! I need to write a eulogy! Jeff couldn’t believe he forgot. The rest of that week he spent trying to find a way to make everyone love Amanda. Finally Saturday came, and Jeff had only written two words. He walked into the church and sat in the third row.
“Thanks for coming Jeff, Amanda would have appreciated it.”
“No problem Ms. Sookmer.”
“Do you have the eulogy ready?” she asked, Jeff swallowed, it sound extremely loud to him, but no one seemed to hear it.
“Yes.” He said simply.
“Good, your going after me, just think Jeff, if you had waited a few hours you could’ve had a dead girlfriend, instead of a dead ex girlfriend…weird.” Then she walked away.
Come On Jeff, Eulogy…what was something nice Amanda did? Jeff thought quickly as the priest walked up to the stand,
“We’re here to honor the death of Amanda Sookmer, who was taken from us before her time, Amanda Sookmer… Friend, Ex Girlfriend, Friend With A lot Of Benefits…” this was going to be a long funeral…

(Part 7) Sex, Shower, Breakups, And Death

Jeff woke up on the floor, he looked at the clock that was upside down besides him, he smiled, it was 7 am
“I went to bed 4 hours ago,” Smiled Jeff, he rolled on his back and heard the shower going, he raised his head to make sure it wasn’t Sara just warming it up, it wasn’t. She was no where to be seen. He laid back down and held the clock above his face.
“You saw some wild things didn’t you mister clock?” Jeff didn’t know why he was talking to this clock, but he was.
“Well, don’t be afraid, it’s human nature, people do it all the time, and now I see why.” Jeff smiled at himself, “Now, not many people start off against the dresser knocking you on the floor…”
“But that’s because Jeff was my first, now go to sleep mister clock.” Said Sara with her arms crossed giving a little smirk to Jeff. Once he heard her voice he dropped the clock and it hit his chest, he franticly picked it up as the alarm went off and he dropped it again, then he hit the snooze button, and he put it back on Sara’s dresser, then he leaned against her dresser, and attempted to regain himself from embarrassment.
“I…didn’t here the shower going off.”
“That’s because it is warming up. I haven’t gone in yet, notice my dry hair.” Jeff tried a different position because the current position was becoming very uncomfortable. “I just came out to see if you wanted to join me… if your done with mister clock that is.” She gave Jeff a wink, turned around and walked to the bathroom while pretending to take off her towel.
Wow…I’m her first time? I can’t believe it, I thought she might have lost it along time ago. Why am I not leaving after sex…maybe I’m in a little to deep. Suddenly the alarm clock went off again and knocked him back to real life. He ran after her and walked into the bathroom, as he entered Sara just stated.
“Is that because your glad to see me or because of what Mister clock said to you.”

It was 8:45 when they got out of the shower, it was a slight awkward silence.
“Well, that was the fist shower that I came out dirtier then I did going in.” Sara just raised her eye brow and tried giving him a ‘I’m not impressed’ look, but Jeff could easily see her holding back a smile. He tied hi sneakers and walked out the door wearing a sports jacket Sara’s dad used to wear. He turned around and looked at Sara, he arms were behind her back and she was teetering on her toes back and forth.
“See ya late…” Before he finished Sara grabbed him and kissed him like she did the night before. Then she backed up and grabbed the door with one hand.
“Ya see you later. Love you.” Then she closed the door. Jeff was stunned.
Are we going out? He turned around, and walked down the drive way.
SHIT MY CAR! He looked as he remembered he left his car at Amanda’s house. So he started walking down the road.
Would it be really bad if I go out with someone while I’m still technically with Amanda?
I mean I am going to break up with her when I see her next. Not today cause she’s with that girl…and that would be awkward…But it would be even worse if I dump Sara now right after we had sex…that would be even worse… Ok, I will give me and Sara a try…how bad could it be in the end? Jeff looked up, he was already at Amanda’s house, he walked over to his car and spent twenty minutes trying to get the keys from his jeans, not only were they very short… but very tight as well. He finally got his keys and opened the door to his car. As he opened the door he heard screaming from Amanda’s house, it was the girl from last night, she ran out of the house.
“You said you loved me!” she yelled back to the house as Amanda walked out.
“I don’t know you!” shouted Amanda.
“Funny since you repeated my name over and over again last night!”
“Well that’s because you said your own name as well I just repeated YOU saying it!”
“What ever Mandy.” She said with her arms on the top of the car.
“Just leave Kris.”
“Fine, I’ll leave,” the girl apparently named Kris got in her car and rolled down the passengers window. “But we both know I was the best you ever had.” Then she drove away, Amanda put her head in her hands and shook her head. When she looked up Jeff realized he was looking directly at her, she walked over to him.
“Hey baby.” She hugged him leaned in for a kiss, he backed away. “What’s your problem?” she asked him,
“Amanda, I can’t do this anymore, we are over.” Jeff waited for a little tear, some sort off emotion.
“Mhmm…well how bout you kiss me and we can go inside and put our bodies to better use.” Amanda grabbed his hand and walked towards her house, Jeff got loose of her grip.
“And do what? The same thing you’ve done with every guy in town BUT me?” Amanda started laughing.
“Oh I’m sorry, correction EVERYONE, now that your Bi.” Jeff was starting to get upset.
“Since when did you grow balls? Forget about them, if you do I’ll show you what she showed me.” Amanda raised her index finger and tried to lure him into her house.
“No Amanda it’s over.” Jeff got in his car and looked at her reaction. She had to feel bad by this point.
“Ok, what ever, see you when I see you.” Then she pranced into her house. He had only seen her prance like that once, and that was after she had lost her virginity. Apparently him breaking up with her was the same as sex. Jeff drove home and walked in. He went to his room, hoped in his bed, crossed his arms, put them behind his head and just stared at the ceiling, thinking. Suddenly he heard the downstairs door open.
“Hey Kiddo guess who got lucky!” His dad was home and he ran upstairs and burst through Jeff’s bedroom door.
“Come on, guess who got lucky.” His dad urged him.
“I thought you weren’t home.” Smirked Jeff, he wanted to drag his dad’s excitement and anticipation out as long as possible.
“She wanted to go to a hotel…said it would be… kinkier, I think was the word she used.” His dad stated quickly “So, guess who got lucky.” Jeff smiled to himself,
“Me.” His dad laughed
“Really? Congratulations kiddo, you and me both, we need to celebrate.” Jeff followed his dad downstairs. And his dad got out some bowls.
“Lets have fruit loops.” Jeff laughed, he figured this would be there reward, the reward always has to be worse then what you are being rewarded for. They sat and ate, both not needing to talk because of how happy they were.
“Too bad you couldn’t keep your promise.” His dad said
“What do you mean?” Jeff knew what he was talking about.
“You told me you would have a V-card on you at all times.” Jeff stirred his fruit loops
“Actually, I did.” Jeff’s dad missed his mouth with the spoon
“But Amanda is far from being a virgin son… have you forgotten what V-card stands for?”
“No I…” before he could finish his dad cut in
“Maiden head, chaste.”
“I broke up with Amanda… do you remember Sara.” His dad started laughing again.
“Oh god, GOOD JOB! That beats the time you had to waste on Amanda.” Jeff wished he could say it wasn’t wasted time… but it was.
“Well… good job… but it might be kind of weird and or creepy.” Jeff looked up
“What do you mean…” Jeff asked, hoping for a different answer then what he had come up with at this point.
“Well… her mom gave me her number… and… well… I was with Sara’s mom last night.” Jeff couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His dad could sense how Jeff was feeling so he tried changing subjects.
“You taste that?” Jeff was silent “Notice a hint of yay?” Jeff looked up at this
“You mean like the expression?” Jeff laughed, then Jeff finished and headed upstairs to his room.
“So, how was it.” Asked Jeff’s dad looking up at Jeff who was half way up the stairs.
“I’ll put it this way…” Jeff said sticking his head from the stairs. “There was a lot more yay then there was in those fruit loops.” Jeff went to bed and slept for a good amount of time when he woke up it was 4. He heard the phone ringing. Then his dad walked in.
“Umm…Jeff there’s no easy way to say this…” Jeff looked at his dads eyes, he had no idea what was happening.
“Amanda died in a car accident…” Jeff’s jaw dropped… he couldn’t believe it.
“Oh my god.”
“I know how you must feel, get changed into something less gay, and I’ll drive you to the location, they want to talk to you.” Jeff laid back on his bed.
I can’t believe this, Amanda is dead… I’ve known her for years…we went out…she was my first kiss…so why don’t I give a shit? Jeff felt nothing, no sadness at all… he found it hard to even think about it… he would get sidetracked easily.
I should miss her… remember that one day in science class…when she looked at you and you kissed as there was fire…oh that’s right I gotta do that science homework… what’s it on again? Volcano’s, ya that’s it… There cool… I wonder what would happen if I made a volcano… I think I will…Oh ya that’s right… I gotta do that whole Amanda thing…

(Part 6) Like Father Like Son.

Jeff was home on his bed, looking at his ceiling. Surprisingly Jeff could only think of one thing, Sara…and not even that he missed her.
That stupid fucking bitch told EVERYONE at that damn hospital! What if I…have… prostate cancer…and they pull down my pants… They will defiantly be like ‘OH! This is the part where you fall off the roof right?’ … Call her? Ya, I’ll call her…but I’ll make her wait first…good Jeff…so this is what it feel’s to be wearing the pants huh? He heard his alarm clock go off… he looked at it… 6 o’clock… Only 4 more hours. Jeff couldn’t wait, he knew he was desperate…but desperate sex is better then no sex right?... No, Jeff knew that some how life was going to give him the finger and smack him across the face and send him to the relm of the virgins... where they watched Battle Star Galactica … and played World Of Warcraft, and Pokemon all day long day in and day out. Suddenly Jeff’s dad ran in.
“Do you have a girl in here?” asked Jeff’s dad, not having looked at Jeff’s bed yet.
“Umm… no… why?” Jeff now felt that he was sweating as he sat up in his bed, his dad looked at him and laughed.
“You screamed you pansy!” Jeff’s dad held the door frame and laughed some more.
“So why did you ask me if a girl was in here?” Jeff asked confused, by this point Jeff could see his father having problems standing up, due to laughing so hard.
“You sound like a chick!” He knelt down, still laughing, his face was beat red. Jeff knew he did… it was one of the main reason’s he wouldn’t go to a horror movie with anyone, yet still…
“No I don’t!” Jeff lied through his teeth, his dad had calmed himself down enough to stand up.
“Yes you do, you know it too… why do you have to lie all the time?” Jeff’s dad walked off.
I do lie a lot don’t I? Jeff was confused… he had never noticed this before… he didn’t used to be this way… but it seemed to have gotten worse… he laid back down on his side and looked around his room. What was he going to do? He just realized how extremely nervous he was about that night. His stomach was turning, his mind was going a mile a minute with stupid questions like. How do I start? I never even thought about foreplay! What if I can’t keep up? What if I don’t last long enough? What if I don’t even get the chance? What if she laughs at my…size…? What if Trojan decided to make a new condom and they were extremely complicated! That’s when Jeff jolted his eyes open again.
“Oh my god,” Jeff sat up and looked straight, being completely transparent.
“I don’t have any condoms!” He jumped up and looked at the clock, 9 o’clock.
“HOW HAS IT BEEN 3 HOURS!?” Jeff yelled as he ran around his room for cloths.
“AND WHY DO I NOT HAVE ANY CLOTHS!?” He ran downstairs, and looked at his dad, fully knowing that he had heard him.
“What? I decided to do your laundry as a nice gesture.”
“What have I been doing for the past 3 hours?” Jeff asked, hoping for an answer.
“You were sleeping… you seem to be doing that a lot lately… have you been prancing around the town kissing girls?” Jeff’s dad asked
“Dad… no…” once again his dad jumped in to put his little two cents into it.
“You know your not Katy Perry right?” His dad laughed, Jeff faked a smile at his dad’s little trivia pursuit joke.
“You know dad… when mom told you to pick up her role when she left you, I don’t think she meant to be watching Entertainment Tonight.” Jeff smiled to himself,
“Listen I’m just worried that you might have Mono…Monoluc…” his dad started
“Leosis, ya I know what it is dad, but I’ve started sleeping a lot since the fall.”
“Why do you need your cloths kid?” his dad asked changing topics.
“I…need to go… out.” Jeff didn’t want to lie again, he didn’t want to be a pathological liar.
“Well… you can wear my cloths?” Jeff bit his lip again trying not to laugh, his dad was 6.4 and a little bit on the heavy side, Jeff on the other hand was 5 11, and skinny… it wouldn’t work out.
“No… it’s ok dad.”
“Well there are some of your cloths you used to wear in the last drawer of your dresser.” His dad said.
“Offer taken back kid.” His dad smiled as he picked up a newspaper. Jeff smirked and ran upstairs. He walked into his room and opened the bottom drawer…
“No…” Jeff picked up the shirt and pants… the shirt had a huge picture of Pikachu and ask hugging each other with big words at the bottom saying ‘IT’S OK TO LOVE YOUR FRIEND THIS MUCH’ and the shorts…were like the little underwear you wore way back when you didn’t know the importance of the area it covered… So… there he was looking at his Pokegay shirt, and his shorts that Daisy Duke would have said that, that was too revealing.
“DAD?” he yelled downstairs hoping to hear his dad grow some sympathy.
“NICE AREN’T THEY? YOU’RE NOT WEARING MY CLOTHS.” His dad laughed to him. Jeff looked up.
“God…I hope you make tonight worth it.” Then Jeff stood up and put on the shorter then short shorts, the tidied pokemon shirt promoting intimate moments between human and creature… He stood up and walked out the door, then he hit the stairs…realizing there was no way he was able to make it down the stairs. He jumped down the stairs, legs tightly stuck together. He walked out the door to hear his father fall on the floor laughing, coughing and punching the floor. He sat in his car, and drove. He pulled up to traffic lights, and then he saw a car pull up besides him, it was Ted, He turned and just looked at Jeff, then he rolled down his window, Jeff rolled down his as well not looking impressed.
“Jeff… ummm.” Ted didn’t need to finish his sentence.
“Laundry day.” Jeff answered, not looking away from the front of his car.
“Ok… call me tonight…we… uhh… we gotta talk.” He said.
“Ya… I suppose we do don’t we.” Jeff said looking at his shirt.
“Ya… and Jeff,” Jeff looked at him to see a smirk across Ted’s face. “I love you too man, and if you weren’t with Amanda…” He couldn’t finish his joke, neither could Jeff, they both started laughing pretty hard.
“Ok… well I gotta go… green light and all… call me tonight.” And Ted drove off. So did Jeff, heading to the closest drug store. Jeff sped around the corner, and saw Mini Mart, he drove into the parking lot. He stepped out of his car to hear a whistle… he turned around.
“Aye bay, bay. Where you headed.” Jeff closed his eyes and swallowed.
“Hello, again officer…how are you today.”
“Oh I’m great now.” The cop said, head partially down, eyes looking past his glasses to see Jeff, walking towards him.
“Uhhh… I gotta go I’m on a tight schedule.” Jeff turned around and ran into the Mini Mart.
“YOU CAN RUN BUT WE’LL MEET AGAIN JEFFRY!”
I never told him my name…Ewwwww Jeff thought, he ran into Mini Mart and ran for the pharmacy. He turned the corner and saw the wall of condoms… he looked up and down the row… he turned his head to see the cashier, with his eyebrow raised giving a mix between a confused and disgusted look. Nervously Jeff grabbed a box and threw it on the cashier’s table, and threw 10 dollars with it. Not even wanting to look him in the face, he just looked at the ceilings. He heard the cashier laugh very hard before, finally he heard the cashier talk.
“Well…your…total is…” before he finished Jeff grabbed the box turned around and walked away. He made his way to his car where he finally saw what he had bought… he pleasure… a pink box with lavenders and other feminine things… he had walked in… looking the way he did…and bought her pleasure condoms…
“Well,” Jeff started, trying to calm himself down. “At least Amanda will be happy.”
He turned the keys and looked at the clock, it was 9:45, he still had time to get to Amanda’s house, she never said what time to come over. He drove towards her house. Then he walked towards her door and rang the doorbell. The door swung open, and Jeff’s jaw dropped. Around Amanda’s neck… was another girl.
“Who’s this Mandy?” Said the girl
“Oh, this is my boyfriend, hey Jeff.” Jeff couldn’t talk, he knew his girlfriend was slutty…but…
“I didn’t know you were… bi?” he asked, after a long awkward pause.
“Ya, me neither,” she leaned her mouth behind his ear. “I’m kinda drunk though… don’t tell her.” She giggled as she moved her head back, he could smell it…vodka and rum… yum… nothing more attractive then a drunk girl… correction… girls.
“Silly, I could hear you, I’m around your neck remember.” She giggled,
“Oh no, you are, well aren’t you sneaky.”
“Well… should I come back later?” Jeff asked… he was not giving up this easily, not after what he had been through.
“You’re too sneaky, I’ma have to punish you now.” Amanda said to the girl, the girl giggled and ran upstairs.
“Well… she seems nice.” Jeff said.
“Ya… I don’t know. You wanna join us Jeffy?” Amanda said, lightly biting her lip. Jeff thought for a second… he didn’t think he could handle seeing Amanda with anyone, he was incredibly jealous, but maybe this would be different.
“Ya, ok.” He said taking a step forward.
“Ya, I thought you would… too bad. Night.” Then she slammed the door on his face. He turned around and walked down her steps… this was the worst he had ever felt in his life. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He didn’t love Amanda, he didn’t like her, he had not intimate emotions towards her. He hated her. He drove for a little bit. Then he pulled to the side of the road… he was too emotional at the moment. He looked at his cell phone. He had 1 new message, he opened it franticly hoping it was from Amanda saying sorry it was all a joke, it wasn’t. It was his dad.
Have a lady at the house…can you not come back till tomorrow, thanks kiddo;)
“At least one of us is having a good night.” He looked at his arm… Sara’s phone number. He called.
“Hello?” It was her…good thing he couldn’t deal with her mom at the moment.
“Uhh hey Sara… I’m… having a bad night can I come over?”
“My mom’s not here… and you have a girlfriend…”
“I don’t care… but if you would get in trouble forget it.”
“No, I wouldn’t, my mom wouldn’t care…but won’t you’re girlfriend be pissed?”
“No…we aren’t together anymore.” Jeff wasn’t lying… he was done with her… had she talked to him a little longer he would have ended it.
“Oh, I’m so sorry…ya come over.” She gave him the directions and he went to her house.
“Hey. Long time no see… how’s the cop?” she joked, it worked Jeff gave a small smile.
“He’s good…saw me in this…” Jeff stepped in the light. Sara didn’t freak out or laugh.
“Hot.” She gave him a wink. Jeff couldn’t help himself, he moved in, grabbed Sara and starting kissing her, she kissed back. They moved into the house and up the stairs to Sara’s bedroom. Then they slammed the door shut… Jeff’s dad wasn’t the only one getting lucky that night.

(Part 5) Don't Trust A Hoe.

Jeff woke up at around 1 am that night. He wasn’t used to sleeping this long without being lectured about Amanda’s day. He turned to Sara’s direction.
“You awake?” asked Jeff not expecting to hear anything, he didn’t, so he lay back down and tried to go to sleep.
“No, Mr. Wilson, I’m not drunk enough to do that to you…” Jeff’s eyes jolted open and he spun around to see Sara, she was still sleeping.
“What? Vodka? Ya that should do it…yummmmy.” She started tossing and turning, and Jeff bit his lips trying not to laugh.
“No I don’t wanna get out here Jason, there are no corners…it’s a straight street…how will I make any money here?” once again he tried biting his lips, but if he tried to hold it in any more he would have punctured his skin. He turned around and stuffed his head in a pillow, and laughed. He was surprised at how concealed it was. Finally he heard Sara.
“Ok, yes I want to take a ride on your disco stick…tomorrow Mr. Sandman, right now can you bring me a dream? I’m very tired. Ok night, night.” Then she stopped talking, Jeff still felt his belly shake, trying to keep himself from laughing. Then he turned on his other side with his eyes closed. He opened them to see that there was someone right next to his bed. He opened his mouth to try and scream help… but he couldn’t make a noise.
“Your mother makes that face when I’m naked… wanna know the difference between you and her? She’s on her knees when she’s making that face.” Jeff just closed his mouth his eyes widened with terror, it’s the your mother man. Before the man said another terrible joke a security guard opened the door.
“You go back to room NOW!” said the short man
“No way Mr. ChingChongz. You’re so small…”
“I can go an entire day riding down your urethra… it’s over Madex, you’ve used all your small jokes up.” The man dropped his head, and the Mr. ChingChongz walked into the moon light, the white light beamed across his face, he was a short Asian man.
“Now, you go to bed, and when you there…you eat noodles…” The man walked away. Mr. ChingChongz walked over and kneeled by Jeff’s bed.
“You ok kid.” He asked Jeff… oddly enough rubbing his head.
“Uhh… yes…” Jeff said still puzzled.
“Don’t worry… he won’t bore you anymore.” And with that Mr. ChingChonz got up and walked away… in slow motion it seemed…
“He will fight all my battles for me.” Jeff said looking at The Security Guard in Awe.
Jeff woke up, it turned out to just be a dream. They were wheeling out Sara.
“Wait! Sara where are you going?”
“I’m going to the meeting room, then I’m off to go home.”
“Oh,” Jeff said a little upset to find out his new friend was leaving, “Well…can I have…” Sara interrupted him before he finished.
“It’s already on your arm, call me when you get home.” Then they wheeled her out.
Jeff lay back down and looked at the ceiling, then to his side where Sara used to be. The curtain was 2/3rd’s closed. He looked back up to the ceiling, but the door from Sara’s side of the room opened. Jeff turned to see who it was just late enough to miss the guys face.
“Who’s that?” Jeff asked the nurse
“His name is Zack, he’s your new room mate.” She said as she walked away.
“Zack?” Jeff said “That’s a douche bags name…I wonder what he’s like.” Jeff looked at the curtain… they must have bumped into his bed because he couldn’t reach the curtain anymore…so Jeff looked on the little table by his bed…perfect… a pen and paper. He picked it up and started to brain storm…
“Ok… Zack… is a douche bag…who likes to pop his color or where a hoody…hood up. He likes his hair like a Fo-Hawk and he wears those Kanye West Glasses.” Jeff smiled to himself, but he couldn’t stop now. “He is late for work and doesn’t care, he could go weeks without taking a shower… and his catch phrase is ‘That’s just my luck’ and he shrugs his shoulders and puts his hands in the air when he says this…his best friends name is Joel... they met in elementary school… Joel’s Dad is a lawyer and his mom is an ex-Mexican stripper…Joel’s dad went down to Mexico for Business… AKA Joel’s mom…and got Joel’s mom pregnant with Joel… Ok back to Zack… he met Susan... at Joel’s party…and Joel is going out with Susan’s sister…Kim… So that’s how Susan was at Joel’s party… soo…. Zack and Susan were making out…then Susan took him to Joel’s parents room to have sex…and then after undressing Susan he found out she was a hermaphrodite… but he was so drunk he didn’t care… then the Exchange student…Patrick…who is from Ireland and has red hair and is short… walks in on them…and tells everyone because he wants people to like him… because he’s an exchange student. YES!” Jeff held the paper back to see the time line of Zack, then he turned to face the curtain Zack was behind.
“Zack, you twisted son of a bitch.” Jeff laughed. Then the door opened. Amanda stormed into the room, and slapped Jeff across the face.
“Where the fuck were you for my sweet sixteen!” she yelled at him.
“You saw me fall off the rooftop.” Jeff told her in a small voice.
“Do you know how many guys I had to make out with and strip for, to make myself feel amazing at my party?”
“Umm… I don…” before he could finish she snapped at him
“6 guys to make out with, 3 guys to strip for, and 2 guys to give blow jobs to!” She turned and sat on the chair next to his bed.
“You did WHAT?!” Jeff screamed at her.
“Oh ya, blame me, you weren’t there Jack ass.” Jeff tried to calm himself down, and it worked.
“I’m sorry, I will throw you a personal sweet 16.” Jeff told her.
“Aww ok babe.” She walked over to him and whispered in his ear.
“I’m sure I can make you forget about what I did to those other guys when you get home.” Jeff eyes widened again, and were accompanied by a sluggish smile.
“Well, your dad is just outside, ready to take you home, see you tonight.” She winked and walked away.
“Ready to go home bud.” His dad said
“Yup.” Jeff smiled and sat in the wheel chair. On the way to the entrance people gave Jeff the weirdest look. He looked down…nope nothing embarrassing that could have been caused by what Amanda said. As the got to the exit a small kid walked up to him.
“Are you Jeff?” he asked him
“Uhh… ya I am…why?” Jeff inquired.
“The same Jeff that stripped for the cop and then fell off the playground roof.” Jeff looked up and to the hospital door.
“Sara!” He whispered through clenched teeth.
“Well are you.” Jeff turned to the little kid.
“She was a 10 on the hot scale kid, and she made it worth my while.” Jeff winked at the kid and was pushed by his father out to the car.
Only 6 more hours. Jeff thought looking at the clock… it was 4 pm.