(Part 4) Meeting Sara

Jeff woke up to the sound of the Heart Monitor Flat Lining. He got up and felt light as air.

“Holy Shit” Jeff looked around.

“I’m Dead!” Jeff looked around frantically. The curtains at the edge of the room flew back and Jeff saw a girl on a bed next to him.

“Your not dead, genius.” She giggled, Jeff cringed at her giggle, and he’s not the kind of guy to do this. Back before he started dating Amanda, he would joke and flirt with girls to get them to giggle, it was very appealing to him, but this girls giggle was like a high pitch whine mixed with a bat and dolphin.

“Uh, ok thanks for the info…I’m Jeff.” Jeff extended his arm to shake the girls hand…just to realize that he was not even close to having his arm half way. The girl giggled again.

“First time at the hospital I assume? I’m Sara by the way.” She shrugged her shoulders and turned her face trying to look cute and innocent.

“Yeah…well first time in this wing at least. I fell off…” Jeff realized that the truth was a bad idea since it was completely outrageous and she wouldn’t believe it…and if she did, she would just laugh.

“I fell off my ceilling and hit my head off of a tree branch.” Jeff finished his sentence, feeling very proud at his lie.

“Oh that sounds like it hurt,” Sara said, sounding and looking worried, “Is that why you’ve been here for 3 weeks?”

“3 WEEKS?!” Jeff turned his head very quick to look at the nearest calendar, it was June 15^th… only after did he feel a great pain in his neck and throw his head down on the pillow. “Ugh, son of a bitch.” Jeff moaned and threw his hand over his eyes.

“What are you moaning at? The fact that you’ve been unconscious for 3 weeks or that you are a dumb ass and turned your head to quickly?” Sara once again turned her head to look innocent.

“Both,” Jeff sighed and slid his hands away from his face. “My girlfriends birthday was yesterday, she’s going to kill me.”

“If your neck doesn’t that is.” Sara smiled…the way she always did up to this point.

“Not funny.” Jeff said, although he was smiling and holding back a laugh.

“Well, I’m sure she will understand. I mean you were unconscious.” Sara looked at him waiting for an answer.

“That’s true, thanks Sara. So why are you here?” Jeff asked as he pushed himself on the pillow behind him to sit up.

“Well it’s a funny story, so my friends were over at my house having a little party, and then my friend Kathleen, we call her Crackleen, because…she brought some cocaine!” Jeff’s eyes widened and he shook his head and looked at Sara. “How old are you again?” He asked,

“16 almost 17 why how old are you?”

“16…just turned.” He said still trying to control his surprise.

“Oh that’s cool. Anyways so my friends and I were really …you know…out of it, and then Leslie, who were call Liquory, brought beer and vodka, I was soo happy. Anyways so when we are done I spent a good hour over my toilet, cleaning the system and then I stood up quickly and hit my head off of the medicine cabinet, and got dizzy. So I tried walking straight and fell down the stairs. And I was out cold, and my parents just put me in my bed, when I didn’t wake up for a day they realized I was unconscious…like you,” She turned and looked at Jeff and gave a smile, Jeff tried stopping his surprised stare, but when Sara laughed he knew he hadn’t done a good enough job. “And now here I am with you, pretty wild story huh?” Jeff turned and laid looking at the ceiling.

“Ya…just a bit.”

“Well I am going to catch some sleep…wanted and intended sleep…not sleep being forced after falling down stairs, or off the ceiling, you think I believe that huh?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” asked Jeff

“Well first, you said you fell off your CEILING and hit your head off a tree…so what indoor tree causes a concussion?”

“Oh ya…I mean…”

“And 2^nd my mom saw you…” Jeff’s eyes widened, as there was a knock on the door.

“Baby, I’m here, is that cute boy still knocked out? Can I still do those things to him?” Jeff through his arms out and closed the curtains. Just as he did that his dad came in.

“Hey Jeff, how’s the head…”

“It’s good dad…”

“Is it still staying strong and alert when you woke up? Like that little pun there?” His dad laughed.

“Ya, ya dad it was pretty goo…” he started before his dad talked again.

“And I DO mean little.” His dad laughed again.

“So how are you dad?” Jeff asked while concealing himself from laughter.

“I’m good but I gotta go, just wanted to make a few jokes before I went for my interview.”

“Ok, good luck.”

“Thanks bud, I’ll see you later.” Then his dad left. Jeff turned and saw the silhouette of the crazy lady at the park.

“Now you listen to me, I want you to get dressed for the family reunion tomorrow, try to lose a few pounds while you’re here to won’tcha?” then Jeff heard the door close and he opened the curtains again.

“Your dad seems really nice.” Sara said, looking sad, Jeff looked at Sara, he figured he should try and make her feel better.

“I didn’t fall off my roof, I fell the roof to a play house at the park your mom takes your little brother too and hit my head off of some monkey bars.” Sara just looked at him, her face was completely red and she was biting her bottom lip.

“That’s…terrible..." She had to turn and look away before she laughed. "You wanna here a funny story?”

“Of course.” Jeff said getting ready to hear a story.

"One time I was driving by a Tim Hortons and the sign for it said 'Try our Coffee, its like Social Lubricant.' I laughed pretty hard.” Sara laughed at her little reminiscence.

“That’s pretty funny.” Jeff said…trying to be convincing.

“Thanks.” Jeff looked at Sara.

“Why aren’t you happy?” he asked

“Happiness is overrated.” She stated as she climbed off her bed and went over to some jeans that were lying on the chair and she started to put on.

“No, pants are overrated, happiness is intended.” Sara turned around and just laughed uncontrollably.

“Are you not hungry at all? I remember when I woke up I was starving.” Jeff looked at his stomach, it was growling.

“Ya, I’m pretty hungry, where’s the café?”

“It’s just one floor beneath us, but take the elevator, it’s faster.” Sara said

“Ok thanks.” Jeff got up and headed for the elevator. He pressed the button and waited for the elevator to get to his floor, and then it did, the doors opened to reveal a man standing in the elevator. Jeff stepped into the elevator, and pressed the button.

“The elevator doors are like your mother.” The man in the elevator, Jeff raised an eyebrow and turned to him.

“I’m sorry…what?”

“They never stay closed, if you want me to be specific I mean her legs.” The man started laughing.

“Ok…” Jeff turned towards the elevator doors again waiting for them to open. But the guy started up again.

“In fact your mothers like this entire elevator, everyone is allowed in.” The door opened and Jeff rushed out, he could still hear the guy behind him.

“HEY LOOK I’M STILL INSIDE YOUR MOTHER, I CAN GO LIKE THIS FOR DAYS!” Jeff walked up to the café lady, she looked at him and in a rusty voice she spoke to him.

“What do you want today kid.” Jeff took a moment and looked around the board.

“Umm… can I have, a pizza, apple…and…” He looked around again and saw the coffee.

“And One large Social lubricant 3 milks, 2 and a half sugars…” He couldn’t believe what he just said. The café lady raised an eye brow.

“You want some ice cream with that sport? We have some nice delicious Vagina ice cream…I make it personally in the back, you can watch me if you want.” Jeff’s eyes grew big.

“Actually I’m not hungry buh bye.” He turned around and fast walked away trying to get to the elevator as fast as possible.

“THE OFFERS ALWAYS OPEN HOT HIPS.”

What is with all these senile grandma’s wanting me? Jeff thought.

He pressed the elevator button and walked in quickly he closed his eyes and put his hands on his face again.

“Back again I see…you got an all day pass to your mother huh?” Jeff raised his head. He looked at the guy and turned to him.

“Whatcha gunna do ki…” Before he finished his sentence Jeff punched him right in the jaw. He dropped and spat up blood. Jeff walked out and towards his room.

“Son of a bitch…” Said the man as the doors closed again. Jeff jumped back in bed and tried to go to sleep.

“The café lady hit on you too?” Sara asked giving a big smile. Jeff couldn’t help but smile.

“Shut up Sara, catch some intended sleep.”

(Part 3) Good Morning To You Too Soldier.

Jeff woke up the next morning, he was freezing, and sore everywhere. His side felt like it had been hit by a car. He raised his head, which was buried in woodchucks, to see a kid wind up and kick him in the side…the side that felt like it had been hit by a car.

“OUCH! You son of a bitch!” Jeff cringed as the kid moved back, holding his side.

“What do you think I am hun?” asked an older woman’s voice.

“Sorry, I didn’t actually mean it,” Jeff was about to go on apologizing, but he was trying to hold back tears from the kick, while still on the ground, before he could finish his apology she interrupted him.

“Well, you ain’t that bad lookin’ from the front. If you were a little older I would…” Jeff was shocked at what he was hearing, so he tried to stop her.

“Where am I?” he questioned hoping she would stop the topic she was on.

“Grossel park, well young man, imagine my surprise when I came down here with my 12 year old son and see your naked ass lying on the ground…” before she could finish Jeff looked down in terror…he WAS naked…at a children’s park.

“OH MY GOD!” he screamed, the woman kept talking as though he hadn’t said anything.

“Me, a helpless divorcé, needing a good time, finds a fine looking young man, naked. If only I knew you looked this good, I wouldn’t have called the cops.”
“The cops!” Jeff started to panic.

“Yes, I’m sorry hun, don’t worry, here,” the woman took a pen out of her purse and wrote an address on his arm. “You go here, and I’ll make sure I make it up to you..”

“Uhh… I’m sorry… I…have a girlfriend…it’s… an arranged wedding…she’s…my fiancé.” Jeff tried coming up with it on the spot…he knew it wasn’t good.

“Aww to bad hun, you are too cute, a fiancé huh? Well…let’s see if you still wanna be with her when I’m done with you.” She gave a wink, turned and walked away. Jeff tried to stop staring at her, completely confused, but he couldn’t.

“This is defiantly the weirdest morning ever.” He was about to walk over to his clothes he had spotted on top of the playgrounds roof when he heard a door slamming shut, he turned around. It was the same cop from last night, he walked over to Jeff, stopped in front of him and started.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” the cop raised his eyebrows and placed his hands on his hip. This is a really bad time to find out that this cop is gay. Although he knew he should be thinking of an excuse he couldn’t help but think that.

“Officer I can explain.” Jeff started but stopped, he needed all the time he could to think of an excuse.

“Mhmm, I’m sure you can, so kid, why aren’t you at the hospital.” The cop switched hips this time.

“Well, you see, when I got there my girlfriend was there and was crying, so I had to be strong for her, she loved my grandma as much as I did…”

“I thought it was HER grandmother.” SHIT! That’s what I told him last night. Jeff thought as quick as possible, then he thought of what to say.

“N…” Jeff didn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence.

“Are you telling me that your girlfriend and you have the same grandmother? Are you to related? That’s sick kid, that’s sick.” The cop had changed his position so that it looked like he was bleeding authority.

“No sir, we are not related…that is sick… last night I know I was telling you that she was hers. But I was very emotional, I didn’t know what I was saying.” The cop calmed down.

“Oh I see, makes sense. Well why are you here naked then?”

“Well her mom wouldn’t let me stay over…and my car ran out of gas on the way to her house, so I fell asleep here.”

“And your naked because?” Jeff thought as quickly as possible.

“I have no idea sir.”

“Well then, go get them and we’ll pretend this never happened. And by the way…” The cop looked down to Jeff’s waist. “Good morning to you too, soldier.” The cop then looked up, back to Jeff’s face. Jeff looked down, covered his soldier and turned around to headed for the playground. He realized, the roof was way to high up, he had to get on the railing, then he heard to noises, one was a whistle, he turned to the cop quickly enough to see him lowering his hand and putting it behind his back, and he heard a coyote howl he turned to the direction of the howl, he saw the old lady hide behind a tree.

God damn this is stupid…and…very, very, awkward. Thought Jeff. He lifted his left leg on to the roof and pulled himself up. Then he walked up and picked up his cloths, when he was still up he heard another car, with his cloths in his arms, he heard a scream.
“JEFF?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!” he turned around as quickly as possible, and saw it was Amanda, stepping out of her car, unfortunately he also lost his balance, and fell down, he rolled off the roof screaming and hit his head off of the monkey bars, and landed back on the ground. Jeff tried lifting his head but it just fell back down. Jeff was unconscious.

(Part 2) She's Ready...Set...Go!

“Your bored? Really? I say I love you and you say your bored, come over?” Jeff hated it when she did this.
“Cool it Jeff, you know I love you, why say it every god damn 5 seconds? I’m bored. And you’re a virgin, we can change that if you want.” Jeff tilted his head in the air and placed the phone to his chest. She used the voice again…damn it, the voice to go along with her looks, Jeff knew he could say no till he was blue in the face, he would be over there.
“So when shall I come over?”
“I’m thinking, ten minutes, or I may just fall out of my mood.” Jeff could feel a grin movie across his face, and she could too.
“Starting, now.” The line went dead, and instantly Jeff panicked,

SHIT! How do I get there…the car…yes! Jeff jumped off his bed and ran down stairs, jumping the last steps, forgetting it was about 4 am, he swung the garage door open, he jumped in the car…
“God…I must be the biggest dumb ass ever.” Jeff said laughing at himself, he opened the door and walked over to the key cubby his parents kept the car keys in.
“It’s not going to work, I drained the gas.” His dad said laughing from his lazy boy
“I’m sorry, I could have sworn you said you drained my gas tank, from my car, that I bought with my money.” Jeff said completely upset.
“Ya I did.” His dad just let it all go and laughed.
“Why dad? Why tonight?”
“Well if you look in the fridge you will understand.” Jeff walked over to the fridge, his entire face went pale.
“Oh my god dad…are…are you ok?” Jeff’s voice cracked and he calmed down immediately.
“Ya I’m fine, I just had to get some gas so I could go get some.”
“How? How did this happen?”
“Carelessness. I just kept consuming, and I didn’t count.” Jeff dropped his head, his dad walked over and put his arms around Jeff.
“It’s ok boy, I got a beer, it will all be fine.”
“But you won’t have any for tomorrow.”
“I will run out and get a Two Four. It’ll be alright.” Jeff looked up and gave his dad a smirk.
“We really are rediculous aren’t we dad.” His dad just gave a big laugh.
“Yes son, yes we are, now go get the gas from my car and put it in yours, I assume you may get lucky tonight?” Once Jeff turned and went to the garage, He started to drain the gas from his dads car. After he loaded it back into his own car. He turned the ignition, it stalled.
“Give it a moment…” His dad said,
“I did, I gave it like two entire seconds.”
“Wait…ok now turn.”
“No dad, it’s not working.”
“Try… pumping the gas.”
“What?”
“Try pumping the gas.” Jeff just turned the ignition and the car started.
“Ok, dad can you open the garage door?”
“Ya sure thing.” It took a good 2 minutes for the door to open and Jeff was on his way, he ran two red lights, and almost hit an old woman, but it would be worth it. Suddenly he heard a noise…a siren… Jeff slowed down and looked into the head lights…the cop was telling him to pull over, he did so.
“You ran two red lights and were going over the speed limit and…” the cop started but then looked at Jeff’s face.
“Please officer you have to let me go, I… I need to get to my girlfriends house…she…no gas…I have to hurry…10 MINUTES!...10 MINUTES!” Jeff was crying…he was so happy with himself, he has moments where he comes to tears quiet often, and it finally paid off.
“Umm ok kid, I’ll leave you with a warning…”
“10 MINUTES!” Jeff yelled, causing a group of cops to look at the cop at Jeff’s car.
“It’s…it’s ok guys, he’s just a little upset that’s all.” The cop said with a smile on his face waving at the group.
“Jack ass.” One of the cops said.
“Ok kid, just go clearly your having a bad night, I just have to give you this ticket…” the cop tried to talk again but Jeff’s phone went off, Amanda had sent him a message,

Five more minutes big boy, you think you can handle me;)

Jeff took a big gulp and stared at the cop
“Sir, do…do you have a dangerous job?”
“Yes…yes I do why?”
“Is there a chance you will die soon?”
“Well…everyone dies, but I do have a dangerous job.”
“Well sir, I was rushing to the hospital, my girlfriends grandmother is sick, I wanted to say goodbye. But…it’s too late now. Sir if you die and go to heaven…can you tell her that I love her? …SHE WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO ME!” Jeff sobbed some more.
“HEY ASSHOLE! LET THE KID GO!” yelled one of the cops in the group.
“Ya, ya I will Steve,” the cop waved at the officer apparently named Steve, “Ok kid, I’m so sorry, I won’t keep you any longer.”
“Thank you officer, thank you for being so reasonable.” Jeff swallowed his tears and drove off. He smiled at himself as he saw the street sign French Av. He was close, only 2 more blocks…but then he heard something else…not a siren… a bubbling noise, he looked at the gas… it was on empty. He jumped out of the car immediately, and ran, luckily he knew a short cut. He jumped a fence and ran across an old woman’s yard, and over the next fence, which led to a park…what he didn’t know is that the ditch that is usually dry, was muddy now, he fell up to his ankles in mud. He just kept running, finally he saw the street, Grossel Dr. And there was the house with a light on, Amanda’s he knocked on the door, took off his shoes and socks… amazingly none had gotten on his pants, and his feet didn’t look drenched. Amanda opened the door.
“Hey baby, why so late?” she said turning around after grabbing his hand and dragging him with her.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Amanda sat him down and sat on his lap, facing him.
“Well I hope this is worth it then.” She moved in close to kiss him, he could feel warm breath from her mouth hit his lips, when suddenly he heard a beeping noise.
“Uh oh, looks like you are too late, so sad.” She moved back and sat besides him, Jeff couldn’t believe this.
“Come on, I had to fill my car with gas from my dads car, I got pulled over by a cop, and then my car broke down and I had to run all the way over here. My shoes are muddy, come on I deserve this.” She turned to face him
“You did all that for me huh? Sounds like someone’s desperate…well, lets see if I can change that.” She started to pull down his pants when she whispered in his ear,
“You got protection?” Jeff smirked.
“Why of course.” He put his hand in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, he reached in there and pulled out…a note.

Dear Jeff, sorry had to take your condom…it doesn’t matter though…she’s holding out anyways right? Have a good one.
Ted.
Jeff sat looking at the note for a good three minutes after having finished reading it.
“Well? We going to do this or what? I could be sleeping right now.” Jeff looked her in the eyes and with a cracked voice he said.
“How bout we make out?” she just pulled up his pants and got up ready to go upstairs.
“Nope, I think I’ll be stubborn.” Jeff walked to the door and opened it, he closed his eyes and thought COME ON! I’ve gone to far to just leave. He turned around, kept his eyes closed and said the words he wanted to say.
“Blow Job? Hand Job?”
“Sure blow job sounds good,” Amanda said sticking her head from around a wall.
“But where IS Ted anyways?” She smirked, turned around and walked upstairs to go to bed.

(Part 1) Can't Do Better Then Perfect...Unless....

Jeff laid in bed, looking at the ceiling. His hair was a mess and his eyes were blood shot. He turned and looked at the clock, 3: 40 am, he gave a sigh of disappointment as he turned to his homes phone and turned on the speaker.
“…and so I said to her fuck you, I want that dress, it makes my ass look fantastic. Can you believe her?” Jeff didn’t even bother answering her, he knew she would continue immediately. “Well I couldn’t let her have it. So what else could I do? I put my finger in my mouth and threw up all over her purse. I just said I had a bad Fish Fillet. So how was your day?” Now Jeff thought,
I could tell her but she wouldn’t listen…or…
He picked up the phone and took it off speaker, “Do you know what time it is Amanda? Can you comprehend how long you’ve been talking for?” There wasn’t even a pause, Amanda just started. “Well…if your in such a bad mood, how bout you go on your favorite website, Redtube, blow off some steam and call me back, see ya.” And with that she hung up. Jeff just flopped his head on the bed. “I can’t stand her anymore.” He just stared at his ceiling, thinking of who to call… half his friends loved Amanda more then they liked him. Finally he got it. He dialed the number and waited.
“Hell..o?” a man said in a tired voice.
“Hey Ted how are ya.” Jeff said in a cheery voice, glad to hear someone was as tired as he was.
“…Jeff… I swear to god, I will go down to the woods, find a long stick and head to your house, kick in the door while your on redtube and shove it up your…” Before he finished Jeff interrupted. “Why does everyone think I love redtube so much?” He spoke in a cocky joking tone of voice he had grown to love over years of using it on Amanda.
“What are you calling me for Jeff.” Jeff took a deep breath in, hoping his reason was good enough.
“Should I break up with Amanda?” He held his breath at this point, surprised that Ted hadn’t said anything, and then scared for what he was about to say.
“Don’t you love her?” it took all Jeff’s strength not to laugh.
“Nope, not at all.” This time Ted laughed, extremely hard.
“Are you kidding me? This better be new, don’t tell me you’ve been wiped for no reason for the past four years.” Jeff took a deep breath in. “It’s been awhile.” More like two years “Well I don’t know, I mean, you’ve been dating since grade eight. You don’t wanna go to prom with her?”
“Nope not at all. I don’t like her Ted.”
“Well lets remember this, remind me about the time you first met her

Jeff was sitting at the swings, he was only 10, and Jeff had just moved to the Grand Heights, He had missed the bus and was late, he had arrived at recess. He didn’t know anyone at all, everyone was a stranger. Jeff was just sitting there, swinging back and forth on the swing set. That’s when she walked over, arms behind her, grabbing her wrist with one hand. She walked right over to Jeff.
“Hey, I’m Amanda.” Jeff was silent, he was like that sometimes, well…he was like that when he first met someone.
“You want a rock?” She asked, “Uhh sure.” Jeff replied holding out his left hand. Amanda just placed a pine cone into his hand… he looked right at her with a confused look on his face.
“Umm… I hate to tell you this, but that’s a pine cone.”
“Either way, it’s from mother earth and it tastes good, she said placing the pine cone in her mouth.
“That’s…pretty gross…not gunna lie.”
“Oh sorry, I just love putting things in my mouth…” And from that moment Jeff thought he was in love. Finally after hanging out with Amanda all recess the bell rang, Jeff got off the swings getting ready to leave for class, when Amanda grabbed his hand and held it.
“You’re my boyfriend.” She stated in a “Matter-Of-Fact” voice.
“Got it, I’m your boyfriend. Does this mean we can kiss?” Jeff asked, not having had a girlfriend before.
“No, my mom told me you guys only want one thing, and that’s babies, your going to kiss me and get me pregnant, then you have to get a job and support me.” Jeff’s entire face went pale.

“Happy?” Jeff asked
“Yep… its funny…even when she was 10 she loved wood in her mouth.” Ted laughed at his joke…as if no one had thought of that.
“It wasn’t wood… it was a pine cone… I don’t think pine cones are wood.”
“Ya well… still…loose mouth at 10 should have been a bad sign.” Ted laughed some more. “Ok so why do you want to dump her.” This time Jeff couldn’t hold in his laughter.
“Are you kidding me Ted? Lets see… she cheated on me last year, she hits on every guy, even when I’m right there, she tells me what to do,” Ted made a whip noise, Jeff just sighed and continued “She keeps me up all night…and not even in the good way…she just talks about her day…and she hasn’t given out yet…but she did to a guy she knew for a day when WE were still dating…I mean…come on.” Ted took a minute and then came up with his rebuttal. “Ok…so she’s done some stuff in the past. But…she is hot…” Jeff took in this information. “Ok, although that’s true…like…really true…like I have a picture and some times I… never mind.”
“Ya, I know I do the same thing. And not to sound gay or anything but… I mean you too look good together.” Jeff thought about all this for awhile. Then he realized that it was true. “I guess I have to take her for what she is, I mean… I can’t do any better then perfect right?” Ted laughed. “Well you don’t know how she is in bed.”
“Sure I do, I just gotta ask the guy from last year.”
“Haha, true I guess, do you know who it was?” Ted asked
“Nope… not sure I want to know either.”
“Might be looking into… kinda like your girlfriend…and by looking into I mean with your penis…”
“Ya, I got that much Ted… I will see ya tomorrow, we still on for that double date?”
“Ya, Sam is looking forward to seeing The Day Before Today.”
“Ok well I’ll talk to you later then.” Jeff hung up and looked at the ceiling
What was I thinking dumping Amanda…that’s so stupid, sure she’s made mistakes…but…I probably deserved it…like karma…kicking me in the balls…
The phone rang, Jeff picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Hey you done on Redtube Mr.Twoshakes?
“Yup…how are you Amanda? I love You.”
“Mhmm, what ever Jeff come over here I’m bored.”